Day by Day i just feel more and more sad. It was kind like i had started to open up to someone i thought was a friend. But it was all a lie. He was just using me.

I am jealous when i see him being happier and happier, and ignoring me. It's not that i don't want him to be happy, because i do. IT made me so sad when he was unhappy, and depressed and alone. But conversely, i know that there is no-one who really worries about me and thinks about what they can do to help me. Selfish, i know. But that's me.

I guess when you've been single for so long, you get that way. I wish i could stop these feelings.

I never used to care. And when i swopped roles, i did stop going for lunch with him. But now i do, and i can't seem to stop. If i didn't have to see him almost everyday i think the feelings wuld go, and i wouldn't be so agitated all of the time.

posted by small 9:22 AM

What a surprise. He said no.
posted by small 11:23 AM

I am more confused than ever. Blondie says that he doesn't have an issue with me, and that he sometimes comes over as being off with me but doen't mean to be. He says that he's being careful not to talk to people about things they don't need to know (which is good, as it was just too much and some of the things were much too graphic), and that everything is fine.

Except to me, it isn't.

We don't talk at all now. We don't go to lunch together, and haven't for months. I really miss it.

I know that in my head i probably made our friendship to be more than he thought it was. But then again, he did call me and verbally dump so much on me for hours and hours,i guess that it was understandable.

But him not having an issue with me, is such a lie in my eyes.

Saturday night, when we were in Loft for Orion's birthday, when we were at one of the bars, Orion went around kissing everyone - as he does. Then i think it was his aunty said Blondie should too.... so he did - everyone apart from me... and then there was this large pause, so i had to say - no it's fine if you don't want to, in front of everyone.

I felt so uncomfortable, even after he blurted out something about it being against policy for co-workers...

And we aren't exactly talking a full-on snog here.

posted by small 9:32 AM

I am more confused than ever. Blondie says that he doesn't have an issue with me, and that he sometimes comes over as being off with me but doen't mean to be. He says that he's being careful not to talk to people about things they don't need to know (which is good, as it was just too much and some of the things were much too graphic), and that everything is fine.

Except to me, it isn't.

We don't talk at all now. We don't go to lunch together, and haven't for months. I really miss it.

I know that in my head i probably made our friendship to be more than he thought it was. But then again, he did call me and verbally dump so much on me for hours and hours,i guess that it was understandable.

But him not having an issue with me, is such a lie in my eyes.

Saturday night, when we were in Loft for Orion's birthday, when we were at one of the bars, Orion went around kissing everyone - as he does. Then i think it was his aunty said Blondie should too.... so he did - everyone apart from me... and then there was this large pause, so i had to say - no it's fine if you don't want to, in front of everyone.

I felt so uncomfortable, even after he blurted out something about it being against policy for co-workers...

And we aren't exactly talking a full-on snog here.

But anyway... i shall ask him if he wants to go to lunch. if he says no then there clearly is an issue.

posted by small 9:28 AM

posted by small 5:22 PM

Today i'm back to normal balance, and i decided to tell Blondie that if he really wanted, i would completely back off. He just said he was too busy. So i guess that that is a yes. So lonely. I mean, i know he wasn't much of a friend, that it was all one way...but i guess it made me feel special.
posted by small 2:59 PM

I've been replaced in both Blondie and Orion's lives. Orion hardly ever answers the phone to me now. Blondie rarely speaks to me.

I guess it was inevitable, but as i have never been in this position before...

I'm selfish. I want a friend, someone that i can speak to each night. But in return, i would listen and help and be there...

posted by small 7:38 PM

Been a weird few weeks. So unhappy. Ill with shingles. Lonely.
posted by small 7:13 PM

I think it's a fairly safe bet that no-one will wish me well for the funeral tomorrow, and no-one will want to support me or make sure i'm alright afterwards.

I know that i wasn't always the best friend i could have been to Blondie, but it was only after he rejected any of my offers of support, and told me i wasn't a friend. I miss his friendship, what ever it was, so much. I miss Orion making me laugh like crazy.

Blondie has said talk, and talk today - but i think it was all words.

posted by small 5:47 PM

I can't really remember how things were when i last wrote. Lots has change.d My grandma passed away. Orion and Blondie got back together.

All of which was inevitable. It's left me feeling very bereft though. As Orion promised that we would support me through and after the funeral, and of course since they are now back together i can't seem him anymore. Or talk to him. So i feel very lonely and adrift.

So Blondie won't talk to me and I can't talk to Orion. It feels pretty lonely.

On the other hand though, i am happy that they are back together and are happy. As i love them both and want them to be happy.

I long though for a true friend, sometime to share the happy times but be supportive in the sad times to. Selfish i know, but it's just what i feel.

Maybe i feel jealous that other people get to sleep around, and yet still be loved and wanted. I think it's true what i was always told...that no-one could ever love me.

Maybe it's better that i don't speak to either of them. I think that there is something about both that brings out the very worst in me, a side that i don't like. On the other hand they both have qualities that iwould like to have, and things to teach me to help me be a better person.

I do feel so terribly terribly lost and alone.

posted by small 11:00 AM

I guess this will never be repeated again. I was at a work leaving do last night. Blondie blanked me for most of the night. Mind you, he has his new best girl now. Weirdly for someone who didn't work work and personal to mix he managed to get the entire crowd of work people to The Gale and was talking quite openly about being gay, and his new best friend was talking to both Blondie's "housemate" and his mother. He seemed happy though - and maybe thats for the best. As for me...

Well Grandma died sometime on Thursday night and i am heartbroken. I feel as if i have no-one now. Abandoned. Orion went off the grid, and whilst Dave came around for a bit - it wasn't for long before he wanted to go. Maybe i do bring everyone down....

posted by small 8:47 AM