Saturday should have been a brilliant day, but on my way to the Greentop Community Circus, i realised that i had left one of the maps behind. I had momorised part of the way from the specific map, but i got lost (i missed a roundabout that was really a junction) and i got into one of my states. Panicking and not looking. I mean not looking at the speedo. I know i sped.

On the way home i had worked myself into a full scale panic attack and had to pull intoa service station and phone mum. Worrying myself almost sick about what would happen if i got flashed. I didn't see a flash, but then i was in a bit of a state trying to find my way to the circus centre. I am still depressed (in the sense of feeling squashed) about it now. Mum convinced me that i should have seen the flash if there was one, but i really don't know. The panic attacks are getting more frequent, and they are usually over driving incidents. I have considered giving it up for a few months to calm myself down, and then think about getting another instructor just to build up my confidence. But without driving, i have no chance of being able to get into work. Every time i drive somewhere new, where i am looking for directions, I sometimes miss speed signs. I drive in fear of getting a speeding ticket and having my licence revoked. One way would be not to drive anywhere new, but to stick to places where i know i am safe (or just motorways where obviously i know what the speed limit is!). Or make sure i drive with someone to keep me calm.

How many more months until i can relax? When i started off i didn't think it was going to be as hard as this, but then i never saw myself driving as much as i do now.
posted by small kat at 2:21 PM

I'm a bit perkier now. I have no faith in my driving ability, or my eyesight.

So, i was in Sheffield, learning the static trapeze! Yes, that's right! There will be pictures to prove this, i swear. But i was amazed that even short-arse, unfit me could manage a little bit. I have no upper body strength, which didn't help. I'm quite flexible, but my short stumpy legs wouldn't reach far enough! But i did stand up and sit down, and did a couple of solo moves. I did a double hocks, where myself and one of the instructors were both sitting on the bar with our feet under each others bottoms, and then leant backwards so we were both hanging by our knees. I tried to do one where i stood up and had an instructor lying beneath me, i slid down and lock my feet around her waist and i leant forward. I then dived through her legs. Then it went a bit wrong. I was supposed to hold on with my arms to the bar and release my legs. But i forgot to hold on, so i released my legs and shot straight through her legs! When you are upside down you get a bit disorientated!

I struggled to get myself up onto the bar inthe first place, i am still very overweight, and have no arm strength so i simply couldn't support myself. But with help i got there. I would never have believed that i could do those moves when i initially stood on the bar, shaking with fear because i don't really like heights! Just standing up and sitting down were a challenge for me. Whilst others took to it easily and were doing moves i was still sttod on the bar, trembling and trying not to look down.

Even being able to do that was a boost! And when i finally got into a pose, it was the best feeling ever! Desipte the numerous aching muscles and the blisters i was glad i did it, and would love to have another go. But i think i would have to build up some upper body strength, and gain some flexibility.

If i can find the time. I don't get home in time for the classes at Penns. But i need to do something...
posted by small kat at 4:45 PM

I guessed correctly which way up the baby was. I rule.
posted by small kat at 5:18 PM

I went on a night navigation evening with spice last night. It was around sutton park, which i am familliar with, but i'm not familliar with the orienteering posts. I had a good time hunting around, and using the map to identify features. It wasn't so fun when we had to run back to the finish point. I am so unfit.

But overall it was a good experience. The co-ordinator, Adrian, remembered me from mountain biking back in May. Clearly i made quite an impression then...
posted by small kat at 4:45 PM

For the first time in ages i had dinner last night. I started cutting out that meal because i was eating more at work. But i was just so hungry last night that i needed something. I went to sainsburys thinking that maybe i would get something pasta-y (the pasta at lunch is not good, goopy sauce and globules of fat), but i was seduced by Quorn tikka masala. It was delicious.

I really was convinced that it was chicken, and so spicy but not hot. It made my evening.

Some cool music links.


Jo Breezer - Can you believe she's 18. Man, i feel so old.
Leona Naess - rocky and mellow too. You might want to try the US site. This link is a bit out of date.
Shae Seger - Mutt Dog blues.

I've emailed Ste about the situation i mentioned before. I can tell he thinks it's nothing, and it's true that i am known for worrying about things that aren't there. But i just get this uncomfortable feeling, which is very different from a panic attack.
posted by small kat at 1:27 PM

I dwelt on it Friday night and got so drunk because i was so upset that i ended up throwing up when i get home. Not big, and not clever. Although i didn't think i was that drunk because i didn't fall over, and i wasn't loud and obnoxious. Probably a mixture of too much drunk and too much stress.

Saturday i had my eyes tested, and apparently even if i had laser surgery i would almost certainly still need glasses. My eyesight would be improved, but not perfect. The test showed that my eyes have become a little worse in the short sight department, but better in my binocular vision. I asked my optician why this could happen, an he said he didn't know. I decided that i am a walking miracle! I wonder if driving has anything to do with it? For years i just used one eye to see with, and i still have one that is very dominant, but the tests for this part of vision where flickering, so i was clearly trying to use my other eye although the dominant one was strongly in evidence. Maybe now i have to really look around for driving, so i need to use both. Interesting.

I didn't need a new pair of glasses, but since the ones i have are tinted slightly to prevent glare from my vdu, they look a bit odd at night. I want to get a new pair without the tint, and i had a look at some frames. Saw a nice pair, which are almost "frameless"

I read "Deep Secret" by DWJ over the weekend. I liked it infinately better than "A Sudden wild magic". This book is aimed at the YA crowd, and it has a hero and heroine who aren't perfect, but you grow to love them anyway. Rupert isn't the romantic idol that Howl is, but i "got" him. I think this might be another that i buy and read again. Even now the characters are still going around in my head.

Interestingly on the DWJ list most members prefer Deep Secret to a Sudden Wild Magic.

Saturday evening i went to the cinema and meal evening. We had a delicious Mexican meal that even Paul ate. I don't think i'm going to be around next month, i am busy every Saturday except for the first one. Oh well. I ate there the once, maybe i'll get Linds and Darren to come with me, i reckon they might enjoy it. Hmm, that's not a bad idea...

This made me happy. I am an avid fan, and i think that they are a lovely couple.

Although it reminds me of all i am missing out on. But i'm doing the right things by going out and making new friends. Sometimes it hits me, and then i can go on about being crappily single. Other times, and with other people like Anna, i can be very confident. I meet blokes i think are ok, but then the more i get to know them, the more i realise that they only talk with women (obviously on the pull, i like blokes to have mates), or that there are things about them that disturb me (like critisism, or phoning me to see where i am because i am not there waiting for them). I am my own person, very independant given my want to be with someone else. It has to be on compatible terms, and not there just when i want.

Paul thought i was over-reacting, but given what's happened, i want to be careful.

According to my chinese horoscope this week i shouldn't spend too much money (not a problem, and that i should be having a brief romance (chance would be a fine thing).

I tried to talk about what made me feel uncomfortable without mentioning the person. I don't want to offend, but i also feel that i should be able to talk about it. Ok. So he rang my mobile to see where i was getting on the coach to go to the space centre. It sounds so silly now, but it made me feel uncomfortable. Of course i was getting on in sutton. But i felt lke it was a where are you, why aren't you here.

And i am not to be at his beck and call.

But silly as it may seem now, it felt very intrusive, because i didn't say that he could call me. Now, as some of my friends do, if it had been, give me a call when you get there, i would have handled it. But i didn't.

Silly, but from now on i am being extra careful. And not putting myself in a position where a bloke wants me (like alone in a toilet), but making sure that at all times i feel safe and secure.

That upsets him? So what. I'm looking at for number 1.
posted by small kat at 4:04 PM

Nearly had another accident this morning. At the roundabout near my house, i pulled out to get onto it and heard the sudden screeching of brakes. A car to my right had stopped just before me (well not just before, but close enough that i could now see him). What to do?

No-one had crashed, and since i was now actually on the island i drove on. I wasn't sure if that was the right thing to do, but since it's a hugely busy island i figured that i should get the hell out of the way.

I don't remember what the car looked like apart from it's colour, and i am guessing that since it was on the outside lane of the island it turned, which was why i couldn't see it following me after i drove on. A good start to the day. I wasn't sure if i was supposed to stop, since we didn't actually have a collision.

I am so tired, and yet i keep on going, and then i make stupid mistakes like this. And then i lose confidence. God i will be so glad when the next 16 months are up.

I know that i am more likely, as a new driver, to have accidents. But this is stupid. Or am i just the only one that dwells.
posted by small kat at 1:19 PM

A list that i am on is having a discussion about Ugly Stuff. You know, those horrible brown and orange 70's tumblers hidden at the back of a cupboard, or that vase that was brought as a gift and you really hate. Some people smash them "accidentally".

I can't believe it. Me, i still have boxes of stuff to go to the charity shop. Well, two boxes. One full of clothes, and the other full of books.

Surfing around on the web today, found me the QVC website, i really miss not having cable, purely for that channel and Sky1.
posted by small kat at 2:11 PM

I wrote about it in my off-line diary. It seemed safer there.

I took an emode test, apparently my iq is 118. I have become more stupid as the years go on.

Or, i just no longer care about the maths questions, and so skip them...

Listening to Leona Naess again, this cd i really growing on me.

I finished reading "a sudden wild magic", not bad. Readable, and understandable, but i don't love it in the same way that i love howl and hexwood.

Jewel's new CD is out. But not in the UK, or Europe.
posted by small kat at 5:31 PM

From Monday

Strange weekend. I went to Spice hits town, and had a good time. Spoke to some friends, and we went on to the Actress and Bishop, which has a late licence, and plays music that isn't half bad. I danced and had a great time with George. Paul and Liz. Kein didn't seem to enjoy himself.

But i did. I think, at best, my dancin style could be described as enthusiastic! But i don't care.

I had my hair cut short on Sunday, and spent an hour or so (un)productively trying to learn the words to "moonlight densetsu". I was surprised that i actually recognised the odd word or two (eg Denwa), considering how limited my knowledge is. But i thought that i would be a fun way to at least recognise words and learn the sounds.
posted by small kat at 10:30 AM

I was upset last night. I'm in two minds whether to write in case someone who knows in the people in question should see it. But on the other hand, why should i be ashamed about liking someone and being upset because they have a girlfriend?

Although i think it would make other people embarassed.

I woke up at 4:30am this morning, from a nightmare where i had moved to finland with my boyfriend (whoever he may be). It sounded good, after all i know that i do want to move away, and i know that i want someone who wants me. And yet...it felt like a nightmare.

A very weird feeling. Maybe i'm not ready. I think i am, but i find excuses, and have bad dreams about it. Or maybe it's just that i haven't met the right person.

There are so few truly passionate men around.

Bloody hell. This closet is about the size of my little sisters bedroom! Considering the state of my own bedroom, and my desk at work, i think that i had better read through her book again. I truly do know that half my problem at home is that i have run out of room, so i just cannot organise things so that i have easy access to them.

For the past 8 years of so, i have just found out that i have been singing the "wrong" words to Perfect Circle by REM. Not only my favourite band of all time (up to "automatic..."), but my favourite song by them. The real lyrics are "Heaven assumed. Shoulders high in the room", but i always heard it as "heaven, her slim shoulders high in the wind". I think i almost prefer my version.
posted by small kat at 3:51 PM

I feel a bit wibbly today. I don't know whether it's because of my head cold, or because i'm not gettng enough sleep. Last night i went to a salsa class. t was slighly marred by the facts that i bumped into someones car as i was reversing out of my space (i couldn't see any damage to their car), and then because i was quite shaken up, i forgot to put on my lights for the first couple of minutes of driving. I am so frightened about being done. I couldn't manage without my car now(if only for work)

Found out that another uni friend is getting married. How depressing is that? As a dear friend said to me, my reward will come eventually.

I hate that this displays the latest ay at the top of the page. I think it makes it difficult to read through it. but that's blogger, not much i can do about it, and it does make everything else so very easy.

But back to Salsa. I enjoyed the class, despite dancing with the ocassional non-dancer (you are supposed to move your feet and body, not just point your feet...), i learned some steps and have a basis from which to move on. I am hoping to find someone who will dance with me at the Long Island Iced Tea Bar at star city.
posted by small kat at 3:23 PM

Several people have asked if i was ok about my collegues leaving. I think i do come across as worrying, but for once i am not worried. The market being the way it is, i know i could be made redundant at any time. But i have saved hard, and have quite a bit put aside. It was supposed to be for a house, but if i am redundant, it would be more usefully spent on travelling expenses. The dole doesn't give you enough money to travel down to London...

The more i think about it, the more likely i am to move. There isn't much going on in our unit, we are mainly accounting. I'm not afraid to move, i'm afraid of not being about to afford a lifestyle. I don't have much of one, but i'm comfortable and that's important to me.

I remember constantly in my childhood, worrying about asking parents for things, and foregoing school trips because i felt it would be wrong to ask for even more money. Looking back i realise that we were pretty well off, but with the worry it never felt that way.

I just got a message from friendsreunited, from a girl in my class when i was 9! Wow! She remembers me, and i do remember her although i cannot recollect what she looked like. It was so lovely to realise that someone remembers me. I seem to have had a lot of snubs lately, and it has made me wary of getting in touch.
posted by small kat at 3:22 PM

I am wearing my new shoes today. They look lovely. Which is just as well considering the price. The woman in the shop commented on the fact that not only do i have no arches to my feet, but my left foot turns inwards. I never noticed that before, and in these shoes it is quite obvious, and it looks quite different from my right foot. No wonder walking for long periods causes my feet to hurt badly. They are just wrongly made.

I am slowly working my way though "Lark Rise to Candleford", a fascinating insight into life in the 1880's. The sort of life that my grandparents led, a life of poverty, but a life of happiness. Today's modern stresses don't fit in, we have such a better life. I have a better life. And yet, those people seemed to have real happiness. Is it because we are taught to expect everything, rather than to stay in our station. Some people achieve it, but others don't. And then you feel worthless.

I have achieved a great deal, it just doesn't feel that way sometimes. In the end, all people still want to know is marriage and babies.

Is there anything more depressing than an ex getting married, and not being invited? Maybe he didn't want to be reminded. Which is a good thing. You know what, i can actually laugh about it all now. I was so ill when we were going out, not my usual self. And i think that meant that as a spin off effect he was not nice to me either. He looks happy enough now, and that's the main thing. After all, i cared about him whatever he thought of me.
posted by small kat at 12:23 PM

Two people from my team were let go today. Not redundancy, dismissal. They were underperforming, but had been here just a shade longer than i have. I am hoping that in two months when my six monthly review is up the same won't happen to me. But i have been working hard, and i have learned a lot. I certainly close a number of calls, if not the top closer, certainly in the top half. A good, solid performance considering how long i have been here. I will keep on plodding away, gaining new knowledge (like Oracle)
posted by small kat at 5:22 PM

Apart from stressing about losing my licence, i had an ok weekend. It would have been brill, i had been able to sleep. But i stressed and i couldn't. I bought new shoes (far too expensive, but the best fit i will probably find, and they will last longer than the cheap childrens shoes i normally buy), listened Jewelstock tapes (must do an angelfood page) which were great. And i spent ages chatting with Steve, which was great.

Sunday was reasonably quiet until the news at 5:30. I am worried, but then what is new?

I'm drinking lemsips to stop a full blown cold. I remember how i was back when i started this. I was sick and tired all the time. Now i am tired because i work and play hard. I would go out, but the only place i ever went was to Meadowhall and choir. It was only realyl half a life.

I would go to work, and come home. I barely spoke to anyone. Now i don't have enough hours in the day, and i do have friends that i can chat to. Joining SPICE was the best thing that i could have done for myself.

This is boring and flat. I feel boring and flat despite doing stuff and being fat. It's just my writing. John told me that he could tell i had potential, but i don't feel it.
posted by small kat at 5:08 PM

Plus the grandparents are here.
posted by small kat at 10:09 AM

I was mistaken. I thought that yesterday was next week, and that i had missed my salsa class. I was annoyed at missing it, but i knew that i coudln't have gone. It would have aggrevated my back. My back is better today. No pain shooting down my leg, but it is still sore.

After i left work i went to the Fort. I knew that if i went home i would just sit down and watch telly. So i made myself go and shop. Sounds silly, but it meant that i would walk around for 30 mins or so, and just keep everything supple. It seemed to do the trick after about 10 mins.

And i treated myself to a copy of The Carpenters Gold. There is nothing like singing "Top of the World" to cheer yourself up. I have been in a bit of a slumpy place.

Bloke troubles, naturally. Neil, who seemed so nice, but backed off. And hell, i didn't even get serious. Just asked what else he was going to book on. The sort fo questions that my spice chums ask me all the time. So fuck him. I wish people would get on people like that's backs. But no they don't. they get onthe backs of the one that has been hurt by them.

And the other guy, well we are good friends. But he has a girlfriend, even shown me her picture. He has no idea how i feel about him, although it's blatently obvious. Sometimes i think it would be better to be friends, and keep that relationship. If i went out, it would end. And that would be the true end.

I'm going to visit Steve tomorrow, and i'm already having panic attacks about not being in control of eating, and times i can leave. I don't mind so much when i have the next day off, but i will need to leave promptly on sunday so i can get home and do things like washing my clothes ready for work.

I need to have some control over things like that.

Plus i dislike staying in someone elses house at that time of the month, if you know what i mean. I bet you really didn't want to know that.

But at least this time i'm not feeling suicidal, or desperate. Yes, i am unhappy because the two blokes i really connected with either a)run off or b)get another girlfriend. But i'm not dying of hurt.
posted by small kat at 5:33 PM

My back hurts, and i have pain shooting down one leg. I'm tired, which doesn't help either. I'm going to see how long i can last, but i want to leap around because it is so painful to sit for too long. Of course i have left my painkillers at home today, haven't i?
posted by small kat at 10:06 AM

We have so much in common, and we talk about things on a different level. I can't talk to most people about all my interests, i know of few who are as passionate about music and literature as i am. It's important to me to be able to talk.
posted by small kat at 1:15 PM

I'm listing to Leona Naess. Some tracks are very laid back and mellow, others more rocky.

It's the last DS9 tonight. It doesn't seem like it shoudl be the end of the series, but that's because the Beeb start showing it, and then stopping it part way through. There are a lot of ends to be tied up. I don't think i'm going to find it a satisfying ending.
posted by small kat at 11:42 AM

I was speaking with some Spice friends via messenger last night, and the subject of the Hobbit came up. I looked, and looked but couldn't find my copy =of it anywhere. Was it one of the ones that i donated? I can't remember, there were quite a few...
posted by small kat at 5:14 PM

Remember i had an accident? I had a letter from the insurers from the other party today saying that my insurance company hadn't replied and that legal procedings were starting in my name. I am very frightened. I don't need this. I have enough trouble with solictors as it is, and i truly am the unluckiest person i know. The other insurance company was very helpful, but mine had nothing open on their phone lines by the time i got home. I don't want to be sued...i just want it over.
posted by small kat at 9:03 PM