I was lying in the bath last night reading "and thus was adonis murdered" and i accidentally pulled a muscle in the left side of my neck. Ouch! I am still in quite a lot of pain today, i only hope that it will have cleared up by Sunday.

I suddenly realised today that i no longer care about how many visitors this journal gets. Possibly because it'll never be the sort of figures that the mighty kymm gets because i write crap. Badly written, unfunny, crap.
posted by small kat at 3:15 PM

It's getting closer and closer to going to Hamburg. This will be the longest trip i've taken with SPICE. In some ways i am a little worried (will i forget passport, currency, hate the people i share a cabin with) and in others quite excited to be going to Germany and seeing a place that is completely new to me. I've had orders for Weisbier and choccies from the guys at work!

I'm readinga thread on threewayaction about comfort movies. I think my favourite films all fall into that category, and that's probably why i like them. They cheer me up when i'm down, old-reliables. You can't help but make those your favourites.
posted by small kat at 5:41 PM

Also decided that i'm going to forego the very trashy "it's a girl thing". That just leaves:

• the mole


• stargate sg-1


• Cold feet X2


• Farscape


• Dr Terrible


• Voyager


• Linda Green


• Jamie!


• Blood of the vikings


• the practice



Basically, far too much. I'm sure that there is more...
posted by small kat at 5:05 PM

I bumped into a couple of old friends at Sainsburys last night. PJ and Elaine. Dunno if i've mentioned them before. The move in together into a moderately expensive starter home about 18 months ago and basically dropped off the face of the earth. I know that her father has cancer (but i didn't feel that asking after him was the sort of question one could ask in a supermarket in case he had passed on), and i thought that she looked very thin and extremely tired. I found out why they can afford the house they do. He's now an associate partner at his firm.

And thus, jealousy sprang up once more.

I'm eating out tonight, birminghams mongolian bar, and so in an act of self-sabotage i am eating more than i normally do at work. What the fuck am i doing? I'm going to an eat as much as you want place this evening, and i'm pigging out during the day.

I think it's going through so much of a low patch, and generally feeling ill. I comfort eat which thn makes me feel even less well, and so the cycle goes on.

I forgot to mention that i bought the internet edition of creatures. Not that i will actually have time to play it. With spice and working late, i rarely get a chance to do anything! I don't mind about spice, but because i don't get home until late it means that my fav sci-fi shows have already been and gone so i have to tape them. Then i need time to watch the tapes...

I've already given up Ally McBeal, and i'm considering giving up the Sopranos. I'm going away to Hamburg next week, so i will need to tape stuff. The worst day is Tuesday. Even when i'm at home i have to tape stuff because the stations have put programmes that appeal to the same type of person on at the same time. I wish Cold Feet wasn't shown twice a week, that adds an extra hour, and it means that if i go away and don't tape, i will have missed about 1/4 of the series!

Yeah, i've just made the decision to give up the sopranos. It's on a Thursday night though, so that doesn't help with the progs i want to tape when i'm away next week. Mostly Sci-fi that will never get repeated, and cold feet.

And the mole! I haven't gelled to the constestants quite as much, but it's still been fun to watch.

ramble, ramble.
posted by small kat at 4:49 PM

I went to see Harry Potter on Sunday. I enjoyed it, but it wasn't as good as i had hoped. Plus it seemed to miss out quite important parts of the story;the trading card with Flamel, and the whole back story of Dumbledore and Voldemort. Hermione suddenly mentions that Voldemort can't hurt Harry when Dumbledore is around. But how does she know? It's never explained in the film. I was glad that i had read the book, since i knew these things! I thought Oliver Wood (sob) was quite dishy though. And Ron cracked me up.

It certainly wasn't worth the headache i have today from hitting my head on the seat in front of me when i reached down to pick up a coin i dropped. I have no visible bruise, but it hurts quite badly.

I got upset last night, I found out that one of my spice friends had arranged a board games night for the same night as i had emailed people for going out clubbing.
posted by small kat at 5:58 PM

It's my friend Steve' birthday today. Hope he has a good 'un!

Did i mention that i'm off shopping in York tomorrow? I'm aiming for a winter coat, and some boots. I'll probably come back tired out with nothing! I know that i know one person going on the trip to York, Anna. I hope she is still speaking to me after Fort Belan. I'm not much of a walker, and i think people who have an interest (any interest!) always find those who don't share it, a little disappointing.

But i worked out a solution to our problem, so everyone was pleased. I got a lift home with Adam, so Anna and her friends could go walking for a good part of Sunday.

I got secretly kissed. But i have no idea who by. No-one i really fancy, i'll wager.

Although i have little time anymore, lately i've been longing to play everquest. It wouldn't be the same though. My old clan seems to have vanished, although i recognise many familliar names in the united kingdoms clan (Khelor, Ozbub, fnagaton, Reyno). I think the part i enjoyed the most was the emails that we used to send back and forth when we couldn't play the game. I built up a rapport with some of them...
posted by small kat at 5:00 PM

I am beginning to feel really christmassy. Remembering days gone by at the winter school concert when, although it was never on the programme, the orchestra (first or second, or symphony or concert) would always play "sleigh ride". I remember one year, i was sitting on the front row of the choir stalls of the Adrian Boult hall and the percussion section were always placed directly in front of us. The lad who was playing the bells was giving it his all, keeping up a steady rhythm. When...

The bells started flying off! I'm not sure how many were left at the end of the piece, but us sopranos had a hard time trying not to laugh and look conspicuous, as well as ducking the little bells as the came off each time he rattled them! I love remembering things like that. I adored being in the choir at school (and in concert band with my flute and piccolo), i got into all the choirs that i could eventually. Choral Society (mixed!), Senior Choir (girls only) and chapel choir (boys!). I had to audtion for Senior choir, and i actually failed. I'm rubbish, when put on the spot and asked to sing a 5th above or whatnot.

But i have a strong voice, and can sing in tune, so eventually our music teacher just said that i could join, because i really was good enough despite my terrible audition. We did a wide range of music, from mediaeval to present day Rutter. Rutter is one of my favourites. A composer who can really write for voices, and understands how they can be used. He has this knack of writing songs that appeal to youngsters as well as beautiful, simple hymns. I want to get a couple of his albums.

In the Chesterfield Choral Soc, there was a beautiful christmas song that we sang. It's quite famous, and comes from a larger work. I believe that it's in French, although we sang a translation. Oh! It's the "shepherds farewell" by Berlioz.

I think i should get one of those portable steroes that have a cd changer in them. My friend Lindsay has one, and i really like it. A couple of different christmas cd's and random, that would go down a treat.
posted by small kat at 11:24 AM

I really hate the way my hair is at the moment. It look good in the photo, and not half bad at the salon, but i just don't have time to ponce around with a hairdryer in the morning. I am very much a wash and go type of gal. Or at least, if i do use one, it's to dry rather than style. I cannto be faffing around with mousse and twirling brushes around.

I am not a very girlie girl when it comes to hair. I wish i had hair that i could grow long and wear in plaits or a pony tail.

It's too cold at work.

I'm off shopping in York this Saturday. I want to get all my presents for my sister and mum, so that i am all done. My sisters need to be posted straight after then, anyway, because it takes that bit longer to get to the US. As well as the things she wants, i'm sending her some christmas crackers! Possibly also, tea bags and choccies. Mince pies, i fear, i would not travel well. Nor would they be allowed in. Pity.

Mum just wants bath stuff, but i am going to get her some cd's too.
posted by small kat at 5:34 PM

I bought the new nerina pallot single. Alien, and two non-album songs. It also has a copy of the video for Alien (which i quite like), and wallpaper. Not bad, worth the price for the two new songs, i think.

I keep hearing a song on the radio called "girl on the roof" by David Mead. I really enjoy the song, it's the sort of song i can harmonise along to. I've read a few reviews of his albums, which indict that maybe this song is perhaps the best!
posted by small kat at 11:31 AM

I went to Wales this weekend, to a place called Fort Belan. It really is an old fort, and it had cottages built into the walls. Funny little places, which all interconnect, but can have all the doors closed to keep them seperate. Great for large parties, and i understand that it's booked up for xmas and new year for the next TEN years.

I thought it might be cold, but it had radiators throughout the cottage i was in, and there were real fires in each living room. I toasted marshmellows and looked longingly at a couple of lads who were more interested in my housemates than me.
posted by small kat at 5:44 PM

It's been a weird few days. I've finally got an appointment with someone at Patrick House. But not for another month. Considering i'm havign suicidal thoughts again, and panic attacks are getting more frequent, this seems like a long time to wait.

I panic about a lot of things, but i've found out that my friends in spice aren't telling my things. Like one of them going into hospital!
posted by small kat at 11:22 AM

I won of copy of lain vol 1 on ebay. Not a bad price (around the cost of usual DVD), i'm really pleased. Especially since, if i dislike it, i won't have forked out for the entire box set.

result!
posted by small kat at 5:20 PM

I feel a lot better having made the decision to unsubscribe. I have also found out that when i want, i can break an addiction. i'm a lot stronger than i believe.

I was chatting to Paul and Steve last night, as well as watching Labyrinth. The Baebes have a concert in Stockton-upon-tees in December, and i'm trying to get people to go. I don't think Paul was terribly interested. Nor is anyone else. Not to worry, i'm happy to go it alone!

Another spice member emailed me today. She is doing the good fairy event and i am to deliver a rose on her behalf for the person that she is being a fairy to. What a good idea! I contemplated taking part in it myself, but it woudl be difficult for me to do stuff in the mornings and evenings, and i am going to fort belan part way through.
posted by small kat at 5:36 PM

My spice astrolove reading! Just a bit of fun.

valentine" 14/02/76 sun in aquarius you will see my very early postings regarding aquarians and aquarian type activities, moon in cancer/border leo indicates you are seeking flirtmates who can relate to you for meaningful friendships and fun spice events as you are emotionally deep and like being surrounded by a sense of family friends,mercury/mars in capricorn gives you quiet determination to succeed in all your flirtations however can be quite a private person only a few really know well, mars in gemini means you are seeking different adventures, love this flirting game, flirt with life, spicemates, adventures,jupiter in aries indicates fiery sparky enthusiastic spicemates or events will expand your horizons and thinking, why not dare yourself to a fire-eating workshop..you will find that you can relate to a wide range of flirtmates, enjoy a diverse range of spice activities and have fun, your only challenge is knowing what, who, when, how or why as the opportunities seem diverse like your potential talents, so find it hard to focus on what the holygrail of flirting looks like, where to start looking and how will you know when you have found it...best strategy is try lots of flirting strategies then you might meet likeminded spicers who can show you and tell you what you need and help guide you!!
posted by small kat at 11:44 AM

Panic attacks are definately becoming more frequent. The time for the end of my probation is getting closer and closer and i am getting myself really worked up.

I also set my alarm clocks for crazy times last night to play nokiagame. It isn't good. i'm debating whether or not to unsubscribe. It isn't healthy at all. I set the alarm for midnight. That wasn't too bad. Then i set it for 4:14am. I woke up and decided that it could wait. Although the curent game has me interested, i know that i'm not fully enjoying it, and my time could be better spent...
posted by small kat at 4:05 PM

I did it. I unsubscribed. I have my life back!

sort of
posted by small kat at 5:42 PM

I haven't got the same drive to play Nokiagame this year. I think it's becaue of SPICE. Last year, it was all i had, this year i have so much booked up! Apart from this week. I'm going to Pype Hayes this evening (if it doesn't rain) with some people from SPICE, and on Saturday i'm out for an evening of 30's style dining. November is quite an easy month, which should give me time to pack for trips to Fort Belan and Hamburg. December is different, i have quite a few events on, so much so that i simpyl couldn't book the ones from the latest newsletter because it would have meant too many days out during the week. But it's good. Spice are having a New Years party which should be good. I've booked a hotel room too, because there is just no point in trying to get a taxi home from Birmingham, and i will want to have a drink, so i won't be driving. But it will be a good laugh, because i know that some of my mates are going, so i won't be left feeling alone! I didn't have a good New Year, which is why i wrote nothing about it here...

I found out yesterday that my sister likes Jewel! I rather she likes Pieces of You, how funny that neither of us mentioned it (especially when there is a video of hers in the living room) before. But when she asked me what i wanted for Xmas i said the new Jewel cd, and all was revealed. I said that i would make copies of the cd and tapes that i have for her. I'm sure that some of them she will like, whereas others might be a bit rocky or weird (memoirs of a housewife is very strange...)

Nokiagame - oh yeah, i'm away for the middle weekend, so i'm bound to drop out. I'm not unduly bothered.

I had a good weekend. Saturday night i went round to Jen's for a bonfire party. Her house backs on to a cricket club, so we had a really good view for free. She made some delicicous mulled wine, and we ate hot dogs and stuff baked potatoes. Who turned up? James and Kathleen, Elaine, Alison, Jill, Chris and Anna. A nice lot. We talked until 3am, well we really needed to leave at 2, but the taxi took a long time to come. We talked about the problems that Alison and Jen have with their ex-husbands, and about finance. I believe that i will get an ISA when my bonus-saver year is up in January/February.

Sunday the grandparents came around. It is so hard, my grandmother dislikes all her neighbours if they are foreign and complains. I get on better with my granddad.

All in all i was struggling to get up in time for work this morning. I know that i am pushing myself quite badly, but i love to get out and just do Stuff.
posted by small kat at 2:17 PM

I've edited the links so the pictures from the 1st now work!
posted by small kat at 3:48 PM

We are no longer allowed to wear headphones and listen to music at work. Gah! Nothing better than listening to something whilst you are waiting for calls to come in. But since i am under probation i'd better follow orders. At least i wasn't the only one doing it (even our team leader has done it), so i am trying not to get in a panic about it.

Watched Buffy last night. It brings back a lot of memories of my dad. Well apart from the whole Demon thing, naturally. And the slayer thing to. But i remember my dad after he had a biopsy with the same dressing on his head, and the occassional moment when he would "go" (although in his case he went blank, or did stuff like pull out his iv and wander to the toilet with blood spurting everywhere) and then other times when he was very clear. I think he knew in those moments that he wouldn't be getting better, although that was never mentioned.

And that is enough of that distressing topic. I still miss dad like crazy, wishing i could tell him silly things that would interest him. How amazed he would have been to see the pictures of me on the trapeze!

I finally got my arse in gear and have made the decision to go and see Moulin Rouge tonight. A tub of salty popcorn and a good film sounds like a great way to spend a Friday. I've got a couple of programmes to watch on the telly that i will tape and watch on Sunday. I accidentally mis-timed the video and so missed recording Wednesday's Ally Mcbeal. I found that i didn't really care anymore. I am enjoyed The Practice though, much more realistic and it reminds me a little of ER. It's a pity that the beeb show it so late (11:30), because it's a good stuff. Certainly something that could have a decent Saturday night drama slot, or even post 9 on bbc2.

I've decided that i need to smarten up my image. I buy some nice things to wear for going out in, but i wear a moth-eaten cardigan to work. This Saturday i am determined to buy a swishy black skirt and some sort of embroidered cardigan.
posted by small kat at 5:22 PM

The one in the pink top is me! Thre are a whole load of others, but i took the photos so they are off people whose names i can't even remember. I was shocked at how fat i still look, but i'm still not shocked enough to do something about. I mentally say to myself that i must go to the gym on the weekends, or get my bike out and hit sutton park. But i don't...

I was at the pub last night for the usualy fortnightly meeting of the sutton mob. My two friends Jen and Anna said that they had been single since Feb and were fed up. I moaned aloud that i had been single since 98, and everybody laughed. When i am in the mood i can make things like that seem funny. It may seem like i am permanently going on about it, but it's only here. I get out and about and do stuff (like Halloween discos, trapeze workshops, parties) and i certainly don't sit in a corner and mope. But when night falls, and the rain is drumming hard against the window pane in my bedroom, i just wish...

I had a dream last night about Gloucester Lad. I dreamt that his mother had decorated a room for us. The walls were painted turquoise and the woodwork and the furniture was all a very dark brown colour. We were in bed, but all he wanted was sex. I wanted to curl up together after a long day.

Then i think i woke up. I describe it calmly, but it felt more like a nightmare. There was more, but of course now i can't remember. I think i was made to chose out of two beds which one i wanted. There were differences, but they were quite minor.

But enough of that. Since joining SPICE i've gone from never going out, to having timetabling clashes! I've been invited to a bonfire party on Saturday, as well as an invite to hit the town. I'll be going to the party since i said yes to that a fortnight ago. I feel like i'll be missing out on something, but then i'll also been spending quality time with people that i really like (and hopefully not with the bloke that i call freaky stalker). Plus i'm not sure i'm in the mood for crowds of people in Birmingham.
posted by small kat at 5:27 PM