My own web page is banned by the new proxy software. If only there actually was something exciting on it!

I'm on call tonight, i am loathe to go to the gym because i have this feeling i will be called out. But one of my colleagues reminded me that i could go for a walk. I would not be far from my house, i would get some much needed fresh air and sunshine, and get some exercise too. I live at the bottom of a hill (a gentle one) so i get a nice incline. I could even cycle, but i think that the suprise of the phone ringing might make me fall off!

I am really tired. And silly me is doing support tonigh, support Monday and Tuesday and doing Wednesay early and late. oops.

posted by small 5:30 PM

I forgot to mention ow i am doing with my not spending money. Well i did spend a little on Sunday,a new t-shirt from m&s. I thougth it was the same style as the other 5 black t-shirts i have from there, but it isn't. It's longer below both hip and stomach, which is an unflattering length on someone as short as me, and the shoulders seem bigger and baggier. I'm hoping that it will shrink a little when i wash it, and this will get rid of that problem.

Guilt has finally got the better of me. On the first night of the WM course i wasn't asked for payment, and it was only the next day that i realised this. And i have been continuing to not pay. Tonight though, i am going to go into the gym and leave three cheques. It's what i should have done 3 weeks ago. Yes, it's a fair bit of money, but i think that it will be worth it. And then the following three months i could save up and treat myself to a lovely lulu guiness handbag...completely impractical, but i love them.

I realised today that these people are toxic...i changed my indentifier on MSN from Princess Buttercup to "you have no power over me!" Clearly on a bit of a 80's vibe still. Tis person wanted to know why, i told her that i just changed it because. I also mentioned about the 80's film connection, and mentioned that no-one had noticed that yet! Her reply?

"prob got better hings tp think about."

Charming. Not really a very friendly comment. I am so much better off not giving someone like that so much power over me!

I released my first book into the wild yesterday , and it was picked up fairly quickly. No response yet, and i suppose i will probably never get one.

I had another email from club sirus. This time offering me membership at the price of 449. This is pretty tempting.. I try and save around 500 quid each month, and this would eat into it (if i save another 500 quid, i would be rather poor!). It also gives me an extra couple of days to think about it.

Should i? Shouldn't I?

posted by small 5:03 PM

I felt rather fat and frustrated last night. I decided not to go to the gym (a mistake in hindsight) and instead pissed around for 30 minutes in Smiths at The Fort. I couldn't find a ski magazine, or any books on skiing.

I felt fat and bloated and knew that i should have gone. But at least i had an early night and woke up feeling rested.

posted by small 4:31 PM

Less than a month and i can go to Steve's and pick up my PSX2. He is passing through on Thursday, but sadly i do not get home from work early enough to meet him and pick it up then. It's annoying ina small niggly way, because it would have been great to play it over the BH long weekend. I am quite restricted in what i can do because i am on call. Still, that's a very selfish attitude and i know it; which is why i am not bothering too much. It was kind of him to offer to drop it off anyway. I hope he either finds a new job soon, or makes a decision about what he wants to do.

Speaking of decisions (my god! that actually flowed!) i decided not to join club sirius at this point in time. i don't like being pressured into joining, and knew that i could find better ways to spend the money. So instead, i have decided to spend just under a hundred pounds and go on a painting and drawing weekend! After something one of my sistah's said about pottery, i have felt drawn to try and take that up again. Spice do have a sunday session, but it is on the same weekend as centre parcs. I spotted this weekend though, and felt that i had to book on it. I cannot draw, and am incredibly envious of people who can. Mind you, i was never taught how to draw, so is it any wonder that i cannot. Why do they not teach you the HOW in art class at school?

A weekend, which is aimed at beginners and improvers (i hope!) with both drawing and painting. I'm going to take off a week, and have this in the middle. Very relacing, and different to the way i would normally spend my time. Even though i know i do not have talent, i am quite excited about getting tuition, so that i can at least no longer be ashamed of my lack of skills.

I decided to actually take off two weeks. That's a lot for me, but i'm not planning on any other holidays this year, so i think it's time. Last two weeks in July should be lovely, and i can relax, perhaps continue house hunting, or do some much needed clearing out.

I'm still waiting to hear if i can have that much time off.

I met The leader of TH2 for lunch. It's so nice to get out and speak to someone non-work related.

I worked out that i get paid 2 pound an hour for working the bank holiday. And no time off in lieu. what an incentive. I get to miss two days of holiday, and get 15 quid for the pleasure. I feel like crying, because i am tired and do need holiday. An i will miss out on a load of fun, because i have to stuck at home checkin our incident tool every couple of hours.

I try and remind myself that it'll be 30 extra pounds, well actually about 25 quid after tax. I could buy a couple fo books with that, or a game for my new PSx2. But it still seems pretty crappy.

After all, i could earn more than that working 3 hours in MacDonalds...

I'm sure that there is something Karmic about this. After all, i have just booked a holiday, and since i work this one my holiday will be the fabbest ever.

Or some such crap.

posted by small 4:32 PM

What a busy Saturday i had. I had body combat in the morning, and then i rushed home to get changed for my stage 3 skiing at the snowdome. I was dreading having to use the tow rope, i had such trouble with it last time. But i grabbed a hold of it and made it up the slope the first time in one piece! And not just the first time, but every single time! I was so proud of myself. Am i stronger, or did i just get the knack? I didn't care! I felt so confident and strong. I knew that i skied well, and te instructor actualyl said i was excellent and could go onto stage 4. He probably said that to everyone, but i knew that i did well. I felt fearless, and had no wobbles. I cannot wait until i go on my ski trip next year. Sunday night I read through the spice newsletter with it in, and then looked up the First Choice brochure, and there was the resort and the hotel that i will be staying at. It seems great. This then led me on to looking at equipment. I do quite fancy a pair of cool ski shades, but sadly unless i buy contact lenses, that won't be happening. However, i was delighted to note that you can buy goggles which fit over normal glasses. They aren't much more expensive than normal ones. but they can wait to be bought. As can pants. I might try and buy a ski jacket soon though, and a bit of weight loss won't matter so much with a jcket as it might do with pants.

In the evening i went to Hack Green, and had a behind the scenes tour and a buffet. An interesting, and enjoyable evening out. Although it was a little late for me (my stop was just after midnight), and had been looking forward to an early night. Still, with the BH (which i am on call for), i should be able to get some extra rest.

posted by small 4:33 PM

Can you believe it? I left my purse at home today. Normally it wouldn't matter, but today...today i get petrol on my way home (because a full tank only lasts until Friday morning.). Fortunately my team leader has lent me a fiver so that i can get home! I can tell that it's going to be one of those days.

I'm having an internal debate about whether to join club sirius. I think i should, but the cost really puts me off. I can save money by paying it all upfront (549 quid) or i can pay 299 and then 29.99 a month. Both are for a year. I don't like having to pay more if can help it, but can i really afford to pay the full amount upfront? and then i look at the events, which seem to be around 50 quid on average.

Or i could just not go to most events, and perhaps occasionally attend one a quarter. I need to think more.

Well, i mentioned this to a "friend", who told me not to do it. Not merely because of the expense but because of my panic attacks and because (after being attacked) i don't like men who make me feel uncomfortable.

I felt hurt and tearful and it took my a few hours to think to myself why are you letting this person have so much power over you.I think it's part of that disease to please. I was definately brought up to be very polite and to look for approval.

Some of the people i have meet have been very nice, but others have not been so good for me. And the things they say abotu me have coloured other peoples opinions.

posted by small 4:16 PM

It's one of the self-purpetuating things really. I get left out, and so i get angry and hurt and frustrated. Which then means that people leave me out because they just see me as that person. and very rarely do people actually see beyond that. But i also know that my behaviour isn't normal. Well, it would be if i was teenager. I think i have suffered from arrested emotional development.

I had to be quite grownup as a teen(my sisterm being younger was treated differently) and because of the tensions at home i learned to be quiet and to fret. Now i don't have that anymore i think that my emotional side has gone back to the stage it was when that all started happening. I am gorwing slowly, but of course i have the problem that since i'm an adult and this is happening people do not have the same tolerance for it.

So instead of being supportive or teaching me how to act maturely, they ignore me or leave me. And the cycle continues because i have no-one to teach me.

posted by small 4:59 PM

I sent a long email to one of the people from sunday. I try to explain, without giving away too much. But i am slowly coming to the realisation that unless you've known me for a few years you won't appreciate the progress i've made.

He said about getting tired of me getting upset and leaving (although i only remember Sunday, because i don't count tiger tiger because that is only about me, not about other people treating me). I realised that that wasn't true friendship. Yes, straight-talking is beign true friends, but i also think that giving help and support after that straight talk is just as important a facet of real friendship. And one that i freely give.

I am lucky in that there are people out there who have known me for a while, and seen the changes that i have made and the progress that i have made. But i still get upset when i make new friends because they don't know me that well, and don't see how far i have come.

I already have to hide so much, and when i slip (as i do) and am then told that people get tired of it, it makes things so much worse. I consider myself lucky that i do have friends who see the difference in me, and that i found a group on women, on-line, who completely understand and do not judge at all, but just give support and strength (as i do in my turn). I remember this as positive.

Of course, it would be wonderful to have this same group of women to listen and to talk with irl.

Now, i regret sending the email, because i cannot remember what was in it...or whether it sounded too vituperative and not apologetic enough. Oh for the day when i can remember.

Then again, i must remember about real and true friendship. I have managed to make new friends, i can do it again. And i will take what i have learned from this experience. IE Don't get too close!

I know i take things too personally, but knowing it and actually working on correcting that is terribly difficult.

posted by small 4:24 PM

I am less sore than i was yesterday. I was glad that i decided not to go to the gym, i think it definately would have been a mistake. Mind you, it did allow me to watch Spooks, which gave me nightmares. If you watched it, you will guess what it was that upset me.

Isn't
Scott and Amy's little one a cutie? Congratulations!

Oh i am tired, and my back is playing up today. Tonight i think i will go home, get changed and then go to the gym. Try and get back home for 8:30, have a bath and then go to bed. I need more sleep.

As part of my mortgage protection policy i have to admit all my health problems (fortunately because Dad wasn't diagnosed with anything, i cannot answer yes to any questions regarding him ie did he have cancer, brain tumour...nope.brain damage yes, but they don't ask that) ie my back and my psychological problems. I was worried about this and thought that it was affect my mortgage application, but it doesn't. It only affects if they will pay. Hopefully, i will not have to be off sick long term because of my back, and i am not planning on having a nervous breakdown.

posted by small 4:47 PM

Bit of a weird weekend. Was supposed to go and see Attack of the Clones, as a last minute thing with Sean and Paul (amongst others). I knew that i was going to be 15 minutes late, because i had gone to the spice yoga workshop during the day.

I was the 15 minutes late that u said i was going to be, and when i got there the others had already bought tickets for a showing. The showing was too late for me. I got upset, and because i knew i was going to cry i left. Which wasn't the best plan, but no-one seemed particularly bothered if i stayed.

No-one from spice seems to be responding to emails or texts lately, so i do wonder what it is i have done. But then again, maybe that this is a sign that i should go and look for new friends.

It probably seems like nothing to anyone else, but to me it seems like they didn't care or it didn't matter about my opinion. I just like to have a say in the matter. It's not the sort of thing i would do to my friends, and i like to be treated in the same way. Maybe it isn't normal to react like that. I don't know, but that's why i'm going to a Psych dude.

But i need to keep myself cheerful, so i will write about good stuff.

I did spend some money on Saturday. I bought the Norah Jones single, which was well worth the money; and also Gemma Hayes single, which i haven't listened to much yet. But i will.

Some time later i spoke to Steve who calmed me down.

posted by small 5:12 PM

Hey, groovy new Fridayfive!

1. What shampoo do you use?

At the moment i'm using one in a yellow container.


2. Do you use conditioner? What kind?
Yes,i always use conditioner, expecially after the whole hair dye disaster. If i don't it's get's tangley, and feels very rough and out of sorts. Possibly because i put it through a very nasty experience!
3. When was the last time you got your hair cut?

When i got it dyed! Fortunately the cut was nice (and free)
4. What styling products do you use?

Before, i used a "takeaways" hair mousse, which gave it a bit of body. Apart from that, nothing at all.

5. What's your worst hair-related experience?

Definately the hair disaster earlier this year, in which my hair was blonde, then orange and is now a sort of light reddish brown (a bit like Gillian Anderson's). I hate it, and cannot wait for it to grow out (this time next year probably).

Tuesday night i cried and cried. I can hardly remember Dad now, even though it's nearly three years since his death. I looked at the photos which are in mums room. she has three, one taken when dad was (probably) in his 30's, one in his 40's and one in his 50's. He looks very old in his 50's, and his face seems a different shape. I wonder if that was due to the damage in his brain? He looked as if he had the troubles on the world on his shoulders, and in a way he had. His business was in trouble after being sued by a former client, and he had two daughters to support through university, and he had recently remortgaged the house, so instead of having a very little left to pay on it, as most of my friends parents do...well you can imagine.

Sometimes i feel so guilty about speaking to him over the phone, and being upset (due to depression) when he had troubles of his own.

I wish i could speak to him again, although perhaps not in his fifties. Perhaps in his forties, when he was younger with more energy and whatever it was that damaged his brain hadn't begun to take such a hold on his personality.

posted by small 3:59 PM

The lecture last night was about fat, and eating some to get vitamins. Quite dull really.

The body pump class was a killer. My knees really hurt quite badly when trying to do some of the moves, and i was gritting my teeth against the pain in a way that i don't have to do for any other class. It obviously showed because the two instructors who were taking it both asked me if i had enjoyed it. The male instructor, who would have been quite amusing if i hadn't been in so much pain, suggest that i try doing the moves without weights and to make knee bends very small. I can then gradually work up to doing the full move. I don't know if i will do a class to test this, but it's worth knowing. The weekday pump class is on a monday at 7pm, which would be a rush to get to, the saturday class is at 2pm, and the sunday class at 10:15. It's something to think about anyway.

posted by small 5:02 PM

I was sceptical about eating more, but my weight went down dramatically last night. So i am going to try keeping it up. Actually, not necessarily eating more, but eating fruit and vegetables. I had a chicken salad instead of a jacket potato yesterday. Not bad, even though i'm not really a salady person. I shall try and go for something simillar today.

Hey, i even eat some toast when i finally got home from the gym. My new plan is ok, i have to work 20 mins on two machines. The plan actually has twenty minutes on 3 machines, but just the two was enough. And this means that i can alternate which two i do when i go, to give me some variety. And i like that. With 3 classes a week anyway i should be doing enough.

Tonight it's the actual weight management class, and the exercise class following it is Body Pump, which should be a good experience.

I didn't book tickets to go and see Jewel, and i am almost wishing that i had... I do wish that i could go and see Norah jones who is playing in the UK today. Sadly it's in London...

I dod the BBC iq test. Sadly i got 99! Mind you, as i went through the test i was saying to myself that it actually wasn't an IQ test at all. What that score shows is that i cannot do maths under pressure, and my recollection of GSCE physics is not what it could be. I don't feel too badly about it, since i'm not that bother about physics, and i know that i do have a weakness in Maths.

Compare that with the Guardian test where i got the highest marks. There was maths on it, but it wasn't timed.

posted by small 4:08 PM

I wish i could write like Scott.

There never seems to be much coherence in what i write nowadays. Although i know that part of it is due to keeping so much inside.

I meant to write about RSVP. Remember i sent off for some information, but there was very little in the way of prices, or even membership types? I was phoned up by one of their admin team and decided to be blunt and ask. I'm sure it's not very good etiquette, but i truly wanted to know how much, and what i would get. Prices start from about 300 quid, and i think go up to 7 or 8 hundred. The lowest gets you a couple of dates where your information is sent out and someone picks you. The middle is computer matching, and i guess you get to choose, and the last one is personalised matching.

I think that i will think about it.

I went for a one to one at the gym last night as part of this weight management course. I eat too little, and need to eat more in general. This was very hard for me to take, and she correctly analysed that i do have a fear of eating. I am afraid that if i start, i will over eat. I was close to tears at some points, because many of the things she said hit home...but i wasn't ready to talk about them.

I am trying to eat more, especially fruit and veggies, and she wants me to eat in the evenings. I'm not sure how i will manage that, since i am not comfortable eating so late. But i will try it one step at a time.

I also have a slightly different gym plan. She felt that i was working too hard. Which could be true. I'm also going to wear a heart rate monitor so that i can see that i am working at the right intensity.

All good things.

posted by small 4:48 PM

Gained a pound, but then i was expecting that. Mind you, i went to Marcus' first birthday and pigged out and this morning i am the same weight that i was on Saturday, so it all works out ok.

I have been unable to sleep worrying about this flat. I rang up the estate agent this morning to check that the owner was serious about moving. she felt that he was, just that he was having difficulty finding somewhere. And sadly, without me realising it, i have fallen in love with the flat!

That's typical me really, i rarely have hot flashes of blinding want. My desires tend to grow gradually. So, i am going to give him 2 months, and if there is no progress in that time i think i'm going to have to look again. In the mean time, i continue to save and keep my eyes open. The only annoying thing is that i will have to shell out for a survey, which costs 200 pounds.

Speaking of money, i caved in and bought a pair of summery mules for 15 pounds. I had my eye on them for some times, but on Saturday i noticed that they had the window pair for sale so i knew that that style would probably not be available for much longer. So i bought them. For the same price i bought a copy of Half-life, which i am enjoying playing. Sometimes, you just have to splash out a bit.

Ah yes, the birthday party. I don't know about Marcus, but i had fun! I think he's really too little to understand, although i think he appreciated the fuss! Lindsay and her mum had put on a lovely spread(i should add that her mum and dad both made the birthday cake, which looked very nice) and i ate some of her salad as i had promised.

Lindsay is a very good cook, and her mum makes the best tuna quiche ever. I mean it. I think the reason is because the tuna is so creamy (i'm sure it's very bad for me) and the whole dish is slightly soft unlike a normal quiche. But it's oh so delicious.

Maybe in my own place i will start baking and cooking again. Maybe even try the recipe if i can wangle it out of Lindsays mum.

I think the books i bought went down well, and hopefully he will pick up the reading bug from his mad auntie (as i like to think of myself). Hopefully i will finish off the film in my camera soon, and i will put up some pictures.

How dull is all the above?

I finished the Elf series by Susan Price (who wrote the sterkarm handshake, which i enjoyed); it was well written. However, i didn't actually like any of the characters. now, this would not normally put me off, but the story seemed to end too soon. The author says that there was supposed to be a third novel, but she fell out with Elfgift and will probably never write it. As i said, i didn't like any of the characters, so it's interesting to read that even the author grew to not like the main character.

posted by small 4:33 PM

It doesn't look like i'm going to lose weight this week. It isn't suprising since i went to a wedding on Monday, and then last night i had a meeting in a pub and simply couldn't resist not eating (i had a plain chicken wrap, very delicious).

Also, since i've been on call, i haven't been able to go the gym and exercise. Next week will see a difference. And i must remember to go easy on the food at Marcus' first birthday party tomorrow.

This weight loss is very slow, but fortunately apart from that 3lb gain, it's generally going in the right direction.

I'm panicking again about the flat. I don't think i'll be able to user the dryer part of my washer dryer. And that is annoying. I don't have many clothes so i often do two or three loads a week, and it is so handy to be able to have dry clothes in under an hour.

It does have a little drying room, so i guess i will learn to cope.

Or buy more clothes.

posted by small 4:39 PM

Did i tell you that when i returned Cart and Cwidder to the library the other Saturday, the librarian actually asked my advice about the book and DWJ! I was quite shocked, but naturally suggested that she read Howl (who hasn't read Howl and enjoyed it?) and also Hexwood. Two very different stories, and perhaps my favourites. Although Deep Secret does have a special place (and it's one that i would like to own and reread). I didn't particularly enjoy the Chrestomanci stories, apart from the magicians of Caprona; and i think Howl is a particularly strong story.

Maybe this will see DWJ being marketed strongly in my little village library?

You might be interested to know how i am doing money wise. I got the money from my isa (with a pound profit!) and put it back into my nationwide account. It's all going to a good cause (buying a flat), and all in the same place.

I haven't been to hot fat jackets, and am being stricter with how much i spend at work. I have had to spend a little on some necessities (toothbrush head, toothpaste) and no little amount on gift wrap, cards and a present for the wedding and for Marcus' first birthday. Other than that i haven't been going out and spending a hundred pounds in a weekend.

I found out this afternoon that my offer on the flat has been accepted. Now all i need is for the owner to find somewhere. This could take months, since he doesn't know where he wants to move to. And by that i don't mean which partof Birmingham, i mean which part of the UK, or the Channel Islands!

Of course, it does give me time to save up for essentials. Like a fridge and a cooker! But then again, it could mean that after a couple of months he hasn't found anywhere and i'm still without a home and prices have gone up...

posted by small 4:34 PM

How did i get to be number 2 on the Clix chart?? A lot of the others seem to use sex or sexy images. Well, there will be none of that malarky here (not from a lack of wishing!).

I guess i'd better update in that case! Saturday, before Combat class, i went around every estate agent in Wylde Green, and then every one in Erdington. I was getting very disheartened. I managed to find a couple of places, but when the agents rang up, they had been sold the day before. I prayed hard that finding my own place was what i was supposed to be doing.

And then, in the very last estate agent i found somewhere. A first floor flat, in the sort of area i wanted, and at a price that was good for me.

Sunday i looked around. It would suit me very well, the only probably (and the reason why it was still up for sale) is that the owner won't look for anything until he has an offer. And he doesn't know where he wants to move to. This means that it could be a fairly long process, but has the advantage that it still gives me time to save up a little more so that i can afford some necessities.

Like a bed.

All Sunday and Monday i was alternating between excitement at getting my own place, fear at being stuck in a flat for ever and a feeling of nausea at taking on so much debt.

Monday was the wedding of my friend Spoon. It was a lovely ocassion, and she looked charming in her simply, but very elegant dress. Mind you, she is tall, slim and pretty and would look good in a bin bag.

Both Spoon and her fiance come from large families, so th church was very full. I was honoured, along with Lindsay, to be invited to the afternoon reception. The two of us are probably the only ones from Girls Brigade who have kept in touch with Spoon. Spoon didn't attend the church that we did, because the GB at her church closed down and she joined our company but kept on going to her own church (and rightly so!).

I always enjoy reading Spoon's letters, and met up with her a couple of times when i lived in Chesterfield, because she now lives in Sheffield.

I wished her, and her fiancee well with most of my heart. I cannot say all, because a small part longed for someone special so that i could have the love that she has.

I danced a little, but not much because i had work the next day.

Two days later (today) i summoned up the courage to tell the estate agent that i wanted to put an offer in for the flat. I guess i'll wait and see what happens next...

posted by small 2:08 PM

The flat i was going to look around tomorrow got sold. I am so upset, i cannot look around properties during the week because i cannot get home until 7pm. People say that i will find somethign else; but if i cannot see it and get pipped to the post..

I cannot bare to be trapped for ever.

Plus i looked through the freebie paper, and there was actually nothing in it that i could afford (even if i looked a little further afield). I am trying not to get too upset and am praying so hard. I never did this before because i felt too guilty about leaving mum alone. I pray that overcomng that guilt hasn't ultimately cost me my freedom.

Peopel say that something will turn up, but when the estate agent even thinks that it's unlikely...the tears roll.

It'#s times like these when i wish i had a partner to buy a place with. Being single is so much not fun.

posted by small 4:19 PM

So much for not spending money. The deposit for the ski trip i would like to go on next year is just a shade under a hundred pounds.

And then there is the money for this weight management course. Which was interesting. I found it a little patronising, and am more interesting in the psychological aspects; and i know the instructor is going to tell me that i need to eat more...and i'm not comfortable with that. I also thing that for what i am getting it's a little expensive. But if it helps me, then i cannot really put a price on it. Plus, i figure that if i am saving money by not spending the hundred pounds a weekend as i have in the past, 60 pounds a month is not really so bad.

Maybe i don't like what the instructor says because i don't want to believe it.

posted by small 4:27 PM

I was managing very well on being thrifty, but then i remembered that i am booked to go on a a weight management course (starting tonight) for the next 12 weeks (or however many ican manage given that i will be on call for 4 of those, and at beauty and the beast for another). The cost is 60 pounds a month. Which is quite expensive really, but i am hoping that it will give me some new insights into my eating behaviour...

Speaking of spending money, i got some details through from RSVP- an introduction agency, but nowhere was there a mention of price! Nothing at all. No mention of monthly fees, or anything. well, there was one thing about 295 pounds, btu it didn't say what that was for.

posted by small 4:23 PM