Sometimes i am glad though that i keep this. I was just looking at updating some links and i had forgotten about the woman who came to give me dad a get well card after he died.

I've also removed the referenced to old boyfriends. It's time to move on!

I've been looking at my nedstats, it's so weird how people come here. Someone found this site by searching on pox...

Now all i have to do is redo the very front page. I've been meaning to do it for about 2 years...I mean, i haven't heard anything from Lou Dalgliesh in nearly 2 years, do i really want a page about her anymore?

I've been trying to update my stone blog, but it simply will not accept the new account username - despite me c'n'ping it from this blog. Oh well.

posted by small 4:07 PM

A very, very kind reader bought me a book from my amazon wishlist. As the email that came with the book is a rather general one I cannot thank him personally. So Richard, thank you ever so much. It was a big surprise, and certainly brightened up a rather gloomy evening last night.

As i have always said, my readers are THE BEST!

I did a little more on my tma - only about 1000 words to go. So it is possible that this could be done in two weeks, which gives me at least a week to rewrite and revise.

Anyway, in Richard's note he said that i never fail to touch him. What a kind thought. Sometimes i'm aware of how sad and pathetic this can be. It is not an entirely accurate depiction of me, although all the facts are true.

Dave Baker said that he admired the way I never gave up. I've been close to that point several times, I guess i can now recognise and get whatever help i need. And generally, if ther is something that troubles me, i try to be proactive and do something about it. Tired of being single? I join a dating agency and go speed-dating. It hasn't proved fruitful, but at least I'm trying.

But sometimes it does all get a bit much. The envy that I feel for people whom i percieve to have an ideal life...

posted by small 10:35 AM

Well i wrote more than my 100 last night, so i have 1260 words to go. If i do another 100 tonight, and then a few hundred over the weekend, i should be well on my way. I also did a little more chanting last night and i think i finally have my first and second declension's down. So tonight, after i've donw my 100 words, i will do some vocab. Get the basics down first.

This is where i went wrong at school. I never really learned the noun basics (i remember a lot of the verb basics) which then meant i had a hard time figuring out which noun went with which verb. Spoken latin must have been very difficult.

Cast Away was ok, but i've seen better.

I enjoy writing about Rome, but i just know i'm going to struggle with the rest. But sitll, some of them will use Roman stuff, so i can blend them in. Heavy on the Roman, light on the mediaval.

I also have to fix mum's cd writer. Or i could tell her to take it to PCworld...i may try tonight. Go and have a quick dinner at my house, then attempt to fix the pooter, then bath then study.

posted by small 5:37 PM

Did you know it took over a year for me to get Lirael?I'm glad i waited, it's an excellent book, pity i have to wait for abhorsen now! It's a pity though the the coverart is different to my US copy of Sabriel. I like both, but i like to have them match!

New Years Day, i should be cycling in Lichfield with the Atkin family. Trouble is, i think my tyres are flat and my bike is too big to put in my car...and i dismantled the bike carrier. I would cycle over to their house (i've done it before) but with flat tyres that's a bit difficult. The nearest train station is the one by their house, and i don't think bikes are allowed on buses. I'll have to think a bit more.

I'm planning on having a birthday party this year. Trouble is my birthday (and thus Valentines day is Saturday). Since most of my friends are married, i would expect that no-one will come. But i guess, if i send out the invites early enough...

New Years Resolutions. I think i'm going to make a pact with myself to go on a speedating event every other month. One a month is probably too many given my OU commitments.

I will also go to the Gym. I won't say more, as i haven't really gone for the last month.

I moved a few things around in my living room, and i know have my small two seater sofa by the tv and the one seater by where the door to the dining room should be. This means that they can all now face inwards. if i had friends it would be a great place to chat.

I started work on tma02 - first 70 words are done. If i do 50 words a day, i should finish it just in time to hand it in! I'm also mixing in some Latin vocab learning when i get bored. I am on section 1B of my Latin, but haven't learnt the vocab for the previous sections. I am determined this time that i will learn both that and the grammar properly. The present tense for the 1st form came back very quickly. Hopefully i will get together with Mel for some chanting sessions...amo ams amat...

The second part of At272 is not quite so interesting to me, which is probably why I put off doing the TMA. Oh well, that's what evenings are for. I'll probably do some more tonight. "Castaway" is on, which seems like a good film to try and write 100 words too.

posted by small 5:25 PM

It's no use pretending i had a happy Christmas because i'm still here in tears. It's Dad's birthday today, and all i can think about is Dad hitting Mum. Not that i was there at the time, it's one of things mum told me about that happened due to his illness. All i can think of it what an unhappy family we are. We went to Chicago at the Alex last night, and mum cried. Lucy held her hand.

I made her cry. She said in her child-voice, is that a new handbag? It wasn't new, it's a good six months old. And that made her cry. Lucy can comfort her. I can't.

I feel as if i have no love in my heart at all. All i remember is stories about Dad hitting her, and her hitting back. The arguments, and mum not speaking to me. The tears i shed, and the shouts that i was a mouse not a man.

The guilt i feel at not being able to help mum because she is sad, and because i cannot love.

The loniness and the jealousy i feel towards Lindsay for having a husband and two parents. It's odd, but her mum invited me to come around to her house any time i want. Maybe she sees in me the need i have for some sort of stable family, instead of one where a don't even know my cousins, and my mum never made my friends welcome.

Which sounds like i'm blaming her. But i know that it's I who cannot love.

I just want to stop the imagined images of Dad hitting mum from running through my head...

What do i do to stop them?

posted by small 8:23 PM

Marc Silk rocks my world!

Got 77 for my first TMA for AT272 - i've completed read the course now, and "just" need to write TMA02. It's not due until the 30th Jan, so I have a long time.

I've started going through A297 - Latin, not much is coming back unfortunately! But there seems to be a nice bunch of people doing it, so i'm hoping that it will.

posted by small 5:38 PM

Ah - figured it out.
posted by small 6:05 PM

OK - why isn't publishing ok?
posted by small 6:03 PM

I passed A103! All that hard work was truly worth it. I'm not sure what score i got, but i think it was well up there with the rest of my marks. I am so please I am walking around with a silly grin on my face!

Which makes a change as I have been feeling rather low these past few weeks. Quite lonely and tired and sad.

But a few little things have made a difference. Last Saturday, after waiting for hours and hours for my fridge freezer, i was nearly in tears for feeling so blue...and then i got a call from a lad who is interested in reforming the Sutton Coldfield OUSA branch and that just made it all worth it!

posted by small 6:00 PM

Went to an executive commitee meeting of OUSA as an observer. I may stand to be a member of the committee in 2005...

I'm slowing getting through my TMA, and have finally finished painting my kitchen. At least, the bits i can paint. The rest needs to be stripped...

posted by small 5:52 PM