So i went out for a drink with Jenny, her husband Iain, and Sheri. It was slightly strange as i was never very friendly with Sheri, but OK. Jenny is as nice as ever, and her husband seems really nice. I think he must have gone to Solihull School as he seemed to know many other OE's.

I felt so inadequate compared to them. I appear to have achieved nothing noteworthy. Jenny ghas a family and practises Chinese Medicine. Sheri is a recruitment consultant, just went trekking in the Andes and has just met a new bloke.

Me, i just drift and can't settle down to anything much and am single after so many years alone. I guess i really do need to change my life.

OK so what am i doing. Well i have a PT and am working on losing weight, i'm going on the NLP seminar. I have finally moved into my own house. I guess the next thing is to start having a social life on a weekend.

So how to do that? I guess i can ask Juliette if she is doing anything...

posted by small 5:14 PM

I have still not taken up the carpet in my bedroom, i must be the laziest person in the world...

Jenny got in touch last night, and i have arranged to meet her tomorrow. She is also inviting Sheri, another Old Edwardian. I was never very friendly with Sheri, but as part of changing my life i am open to everyone!

I am spending many many hours testing at work, it looks like i may miss bodybalance which i am now happy about. Still i have two PT sessions this week (as a result of the late cancellation last week), so i guess that will make up for it.

I just enjoy the class though!

1lb gone this week. If i lose next week. No...WHEN not IF, i will be at my lost for several years. Wish me luck!!

posted by small 5:42 PM

Oh dear. I had my well woman screening. The doctor didn't want me to go back to work, and is very concerned about me. I should be losing about 4lbs a week, not an average of 1, so it would seem clear that i am still eating too much.

Urgh, it was all my least favourite things rolled into one. Nothing much good, apart from the fact that i do enough exercise.

The doctor wants me to go to some special weight loss clinic. It sounds interesting, but it is 500 pounds, and i don't have the much...it's something i am going to have to think about. In the meantime i'm going re-evaluate what i am eating and try and change even further.

All part of my new changing my life thing!

Alex my PT rang, and he can't do tonight after all. I'm a bit sad about that as i need all the help i can get. I'm going to attempt to go a class instead, as i find that 3 session in the gym by myself is a bit dull.

Hmm - well as i am still at work at 5:44 i don't think i am going to make the 7pm class. That is a shame as i am not feeling motivated to work by myself at all. But i have to.

posted by small 5:42 PM

I did in fact lose 2lbs, i was heavier previously than i thought!

I'm not doing too badly, although i did cave in and have 3 samosas today. But i know that is down to missing breakfast, which i think shows how important it is.

I may have decided to not feel guilty anymore, but istill do. I was looking through some magazines last night and came across an old cat magazine with a picture of a cat looking forlorn. It instantly morphed into a picture of my mother crying. Her eyes asking why am i alone.

I wish i had a magic wand that i could wave and make everything ok. But i don't, and i can't. I just have to harden myself. It's not as if mum is in her 80's and living alone, she's only in her 50's.

Aunty Jenny got remarried and moved on, so Joolz doesn't have to worry...it seems unfair to me, but no-one said that life would be fair. I guess if mum makes the decision not to have friends and a social life, it is her choice. If she wants to live in fear or crying, again i guess it's her choice.

I just cannot help but feel responsible, even though i am not.

I guess what i want is a normal life, with a husband and maybe a child. But i would settle for just a boyfriend really.

Oh eek. My personal trainer rang, he's shifts changed and he wanted me to come in for 7:30am tomorrow, or 7pm tonight. I can't do either of those as a)i have to leave home for work at 8am and b)i don't have my gym stuff with me so can't make 7pm.

He says that he will come back just for my session which i feel slightly guilty about, but i can't really help that as it's not my fault.

posted by small 5:44 PM

The only problem with buying all the Christmas presents now is that I am rather low on money. But i guess it's better to be low on money now, than be stressed over Christmas. Too much of my money is going to pay off debts, i will be so glad when they are gone.

Mum rang last night, she wants to go to the theatre over xmas. I feel slightly bad at saying no, but i just don't want to go. I didn't want to go last Christmas, and i was made to feel bad. I didn't enjoy the show, i thought it wasn't very good. Yes i know i should be grateful etc etc, but i just can't be that way.

I can't really tell many people how i feel, Joolz doesn't really understand that i don't talk to mum. She only sees the mum that is smiling and kind. She didn't grow up with the mum who ignored or just walked out on us. All those things that i never wrote about in 1998 and 1999. I didn't know how to write, as i often said to my dad, why didn't she love me.

Now with Dad's death everything has changed. She calls me "dear heart" and "love", but all that i can remember is her calling me "barrel" as a child, and constantly tell me i was selfish, and having to to remember to say thank you immediately she gave me something. My sister and I would hide upstairs and watch in case she was "in a mood". If she was, we knew to keep out of the way, otherwise we would get shouted and screamed at for the least thing.

My sister chooses to simply put it all in the past. But then she lives in Cambridge with her boyfriend, so it is different.

I don't know whether i can forgive. It has taken me this long to learn to speak even just a little about it.

When i stare in the mirror i don't see myself at all. I see my mother staring back, and it's as if i am just a cardboard cutout, not a real person at all. Whenever anyone sees me, they simply say how much i look and sound like her. As if i don't exist, i am just her.

And i don't want that. I want to be me, and get the things i want and need.

And i guess this is why i am changing my life. So that i can be me finally.

posted by small 4:10 PM

I'm back on the wagon again. According to the machines at Boots i have either list .2kg or 2lbs. I'm not sure which, but at least i lost! I'm going to keep this up and attempt to lose a stone by the end of December. Now, i make not make it the entire way, but i think it';s safe to bet that i will at least have done something.

I'm going to make a concerted effort to get some decent rest this week. I am back on my contacts again (albeit for 4 hours a day) and the purple circles are NOT attractive.

I'm going to start looking after my house and myself much better. After all...

I'm worth it!

I have now bought everyones Christmas prezzies (apart from a little something for Marcus and Linds), so i feel good! It was rather traumatic shopping with mum. Refusing to drive into town because it scares her, going on about how she is old.

I pray i never get like that.

I have now booked the NLP seminar...

posted by small 5:23 PM

I love my readers!

I have also found out what the problem is. The software was having a problem with a windows hot fix! I have downloaded a second hot fix from microsoft which corrects the error, and now it works!

I am dreading what will happen to my PC when SP2 is finally downloaded.

I think this also showed me that i am still not as well as i had hoped. So last night i got out the how to stop worrying book, and am going to read that again, i guess at least this time i recognise when i take things to heart too much.

posted by small 5:44 PM

I am very tired, and very sad this morning. My minidisc player arrived last night, and i cannot get the software to work.

I was up past 1am, and cried myself to sleep. AS i have opened the package, i can't send it back to Amazon. So not only is there money wasted, but i also don't have the music that i wanted to keep me motivated at the gym.

That was money from my bonus, so it feels as if all that hard work went in vain. I am very sad.

posted by small 5:44 PM

There is an article on MSN about 10 steps to being a good boyfriend. It made me laugh.

1. Remember her mom's birthday

Any old shlub can manage not to forget his girlfriend's birthday, but if you show up
with flowers for her mom, she's yours.

Smallkat - Well as most of mine couldn't manage my own....

2. Make stuff look difficult

If she asks for your help opening a jar because she's already turned her whole body
red trying to get it to budge, at least make it look like it's a little challenging —
when you pop it open in two seconds flat after she just struggled with it for ten
minutes, she may not appreciate your macho grin.

Smallkat - We loosened it, ok?

3. Always compare favorably

The time will come when you will watch a movie together and she will turn to you and
say, "I think Halle Berry is so pretty ... don't you?" This is a trick! There is but
one proper response, and it goes like this: "She's okay, but you blow her away." See?
I even made it rhyme so it'd be easy to remember.

Smallkat- i like this response!

4. Act disgusted

When you hear that a rich old man has left his wife in favor of a Dallas cheerleader,
under no circumstances should the words "Way to go, old man" leave your mouth in her
presence. Feigned horror and "robbing the cradle" sentiments are your best options.

Smallkat - Snort.

5. Wash your stinky feet

Don't wait for her to turn green.

Smallkat - I quite agree. And wash the rest of whilst you are at it.

6. Put down the remote

If you flip channels while she's discussing her deep feelings, this is a dead giveaway
that you're not listening. No good can come of this. It's better to just nod a lot,
occasionally say, "I completely agree with you," and wait for her to exhaust herself.

Smallkat - deep feelings? Unlikely that i'll be discussing that!

7. Using the phone doesn't make you a wimp

When you're out with the guys and it becomes clear that she shouldn't wait up for you,
suck up your pride, endure the "ball and chain" remarks, and remember that the guys'
legs are considerably less smooth when wrapped around you than your girlfriend's. Call
her.

Smallkat - text messages are cool.

8. Go hairless

Some bodily areas are more beautiful when they're bald. These include your back, nose,
ears, neck and unibrow.

Smallkat - back hair... *shudder*

9. Ease up on the math

If you're dating a woman and you both don't mind splitting restaurant checks, fine.
But if you break out a calculator to make sure it's exactly equal, try to determine
who ate what portion of what, or agree to "lend" her money to pay the tip, do not pass
go: Go directly to No-GirlfriendLand.

Smallkat - i have pretty much always had to pay for anything, so i guess if i met someone who was willing tp pay half i could live with the calculator!

10. If you love her, tell her

Again and again. Don't assume that you can just tell her once and she'll believe it's
true until you tell her otherwise. There are two things a woman never gets sick of
hearing: "I love you" and "Your butt looks amazing." Sprinkle both into your
conversations liberally.

Smallkat - Too true.

posted by small 5:27 PM

I ordered it! I will also book my place on a NLP seminar (40 quid), and then move the rest of my bonus money (about 50 quid) to ing.

I guess i should really write more about what's happening with me, but i never seem to find the time! i'm busy with OUSA and OU.

I went to a pub quiz with Joolz last Thursday and meet an old school friend. It was so nice to see her, and i hope we can keep in touch. I guess i'll write more about that in the future.

posted by small 5:37 PM

I think i've finally got those rogue payments from work sorted out. This means i know have 295 pounds tucked away at ing which can be used for xmas prezzies, and as i have now received the bonus i could buy a
Sony MZ-NHF800 Silver Hi-MiniDisc now. It's so tempting.

posted by small 3:52 PM