I wish i knew what i wanted, i truly do.

I am still in a lot of pain because of my back. I have no idea how i am going to manage the drive to Saffron Walden on Saturday. Just have to take lots of painkillers

I lost 2lbs this week, which is a bit disappointing as it means i've put on 1.5 since Saturday. I think i know where i went wrong though (hot chocolate drinks from the machine at work), so i have bought a jar of options instead. Not so tasty, but that's probably why i put on weight because the tasty ones are full of fat and sugar!

posted by small 4:30 PM

That was quick mr anonymous! Or Miss or Mrs anonymous.

I wish i knew. I've thought about teaching, especially Early Years, but i would need to save up in order to support myself through year of my PGCE. Or possibly finish doing my house up (more money) and get myself a lodger.

Some time i thought about joining the civil service, but moving house, whilst my house is still in this state is way out of my comfort zone. Plus i have now taken on Charlie.

I am full of excuses.

I looked into doing TEFL, but i really need to take 4 weeks out of work, or spend a 4 months travelling to oxford twice a week (a possibility). But what if i don't like either of those?

I wish i was one of those people that knew aged 13 what they wanted to do with their lives.

posted by small 4:16 PM

The fear that i get from being at work is terrible. I am afraid to open my mouth for fear that i say something that gives me a written warning. I don't have any control and i just start reacting.

I am such a terrible human being.

I think it's because i'm told that my company is the kind of company that people aspire to work at that i am so afraid to leave.

Just 2 and three quarter hours til hometime.

posted by small 2:54 PM

I had a quietish weekend. Friday night i went to Lee's surprise party which was nice. I did go out after i had my tea, and couldn't resist a few sandwiches, but i think it was ok.

Saturday, i did have my plans, but i had to wait until 2:30 to go to the optician. I pottered about and cooked a lentil curry. I did go an weigh myself, and between last Saturdays weigh-in and Saturday i had lost 4 pounds. This is good.

Or it would have been until Sunday, when after having a decent breakfast i splurged and had a yorkshire pudding for lnch and popcorn and chocolate for tea. But i figure that one bad is going to make me put on 4 pounds. (Or 3.5 as when i did my SW weigh in on wEds i was half a pound less).

So i am going to try and eat well now.

Sunday i went to Joolz' flat because she was kitten sitting! Such a cute tiny black and white kitten, abuot 6 weeks old and still wanting the warmth and comfort of his mum (or her mum the vet apparently wasn't sure).

I am really beginning to not enjoy what i am doing, and seriously thinking about a change. Trouble is with a house, change is an expense i can't afford.

Things i would like to do are get TEFL certified - but this requires 4 weeks off work. 4 weeks in one go. I wouldn't mind forfeiting my holiday if i coudl do it over a year, but i can't. The other option is to do a cheapy weekend course, but i doubt whether it would be of any use to me.

Damn mortgage.

I wish i could win 25k, then use that as a lump sum and remortage over the same period but a lesser sum.

There are some part-time options, but nothing local. The closest is in Oxford, i guess it's something to think about. It would also mean putting my classics studies on hold. Maybe that's not so bad.

I feel absolutely starving today. Also tired and low in energy.

posted by small 1:24 PM

I'm wearing my prescription sunglasses, so everything is rather dark.

I have rung up fresh start to hopefully get someone to quote me on putting some skirting boards in my kitchen, a socket in my hallway and a shelf put inside a funny cupboard.

I'm going to get these things done in dribs and drabs and slowly get things ticked off.

I'm close to changing my mind again about having my bedroom floor sanded. Carpet would be so much snugglier under foot, and in this neck of the woods, it is what people expect.

I have decided to join the Birmingham Hospitals Saturday fund. I probably get less back for my dental treatment, but i will get more for eyes. That said, lately i haven't been needed more than an exam and a scale and polish at the dentist.

My eye is still hurting. I have managed to get an opticians appointment tomorrow. It's at 2:30, which rather puts paid to my plans of going into birmingham. Oh well.

Day two of slimming world. Yesterday was a killer. I felt faint and dizzy in parts as i am so used to pushing my blood sugar through thr roof with crisps and chocolate. I did a whole day without. Yey for me! Today is easier. I am hungry, but not dizzy.

posted by small 1:55 PM

It's Lee's suprised birthday party tonight. I decided that as it was a special occasion i would put my contacts in. You can guess what happened. On the way to work it felt like there was something stuck in my left eye. I got to work and took the lens out for a few moments, which gave me some relief. An hour later when i was free i headed to boots for lens case and solution and took it out. It's just past 11 and it still feels like there is something in there which i can only assume means that i have scratched my cornea again.
posted by small 10:08 AM

I decided that i couldn't go on any longer they way things were going with my weight. Since grandpa died i have put on the best part of a stone and a half. So last night i joined slimming world. The most convenient club for me meets on a Wednesday, which does clash with Ceroc. Last night i was too stressed to do both, as i was called out several times, but next week i hope to go and then just miss the first part of the beginners session.

This week my back is playing up, and i don't think that sudden twists and turns would be good.

I am trying not to get too worried about the second set of london bombings. I keep reminding myself that i'm a brummie and i am safe...

posted by small 4:06 PM

I have had a busy few days. I'll work backwards. Sunday i didn't really get up to anything much. Lazed around, did my first 500 words on tma06. Saturday was my team brumbus challenge. I didn't know anyone but i had a good time doing quizzes, bowling and even playing darts which was a first for me! My team won overall and we all went home with a bottle of bubbly. It was a bit embrassing having to lug it through town and then on the 67 home! In the evening, which was a beautiful glorious evening, i went back ont he bus to the Gosta Green for drinks for Joolz' birthday. Her boyfriend said it was too cold to sit outside, which was a shame as it was lovely. I had a nice catch up with Joolz and Kate and i think i will try and meet up with her on my next trip to Oxford.

Friday i didn't do much. Thursday i set off at 8am and drove to Oxford.
I went on the Oxford Express. Although it didn't have the advertised DVD player it was a comfortable enough trip down right into the heart of London.

Now, i should point out that the night before i realised that i had lost my mini london a-z, so although i knew where to go on the tube, i hadn't the foggiest once i got off. There were signposts, but they were no help. However, there were people around who very kindly pointed me in the right direction, and a community policeman who gave me a final shove (not literally) the right way down a road.

I really enjoyed my time in the Museum, so much to see!

posted by small 3:12 PM

I have Thursday and Friday off this week and i have decided that on Friday i am going to go to London for the day. This is my way of sticking two fingers up at the terrorists.

I'm going to go to the British Museum, but i'm not sure about anywhere else...yet...

posted by small 6:25 PM

I have Thursday and Friday off this week and i have decided that on Friday i am going to go to London for the day. This is my way of sticking two fingers up at the terrorists.

I'm going to go to the British Museum, but i'm not sure about anywhere else...yet...

posted by small 6:25 PM

Scary Biscuits. I am just so glad that no one was hurt in Birmingham last night.
posted by small 7:50 AM

I wrote this long entry, unfortunately someone switched my PC off and it was lost. Oh well. I didn#t see live 8 as i was at a wedding. spoke to the groom and asked him about single men there and he said none as he got married so late in life. The groom is the same age as me.

I am trying not to be despondant and remind myself that i am a nice person and that it is possible for people to get married for the first time who are not in the their twenties.

posted by small 4:58 PM