Yeah, i know redundancy is a long way off, well a few months anyway. Did you know that companies actualyl don't have to give you a weeks pay for every year. They only have to give you a weeks pay for every year up to 240 pounds. So at my previous company i got 480 quid.

Buti'm jumping the gun here. Speaking of jumping i was supposed to go and meet that guy at Cannock Chase. Ubfortunately as i was on my way to Cannock this was the exact moment that someone decided to try and jump from junct 9 on the M6. Massive traffic jams, and hail. I think this is a sign from God that this is not meant to be.

On the positive side, i went with a friend from work, A, to look into ice skating lesson at Coventry rink! I told her that i was planning on doing this last week, and she really jumped at the idea. The rink is only a few minutes from her house, so my new mondy nights are going to be driving to her house, changing and then heading off to the rink.

I'm a bit worried about leaving Charlie on his own, but i guess i'll be home for 9, and i can leave him dried food anyway. It's 40 quid, which is a lot, but its 8 weeks so a fiver a session and that includes skate hire.

As far as money goes, i think i'm pretty sorted. I've paid my open hosting bill (which has come from the money that i normally pay for council tax, which isn't due this month), and paid my spice trip off. I still need to pay for breakdown cover. I believe i have transfered some money to pay for it, but it doesn't appear in the last of pending transactions - so later this week i'll find out. From next month i'm definately going to be putting a little away each money so that this time next year i'll be prepared. That feels so good.

I guess the only thing that at the moment is dragging me down, quite literally, is my weight.

Well that, and being forcibly kicked out of my car-sharing group. It's been a case of blokes banding together, rather than rejecting the bully. That makes me a little sad. My confidence over the last 3 weeks has been so badly shaken. That, the lack of supprt from people i thought were friends over my birthday.

posted by small 4:24 PM

I'm really rather annoyed that the iceskating in solihull where you get a certificate is only on a Saturday morning. This clashes with my OU tutorials, so i'm seeing if there is anything elsewhere.

I coul dgo to Coventry 7:30 til 8 - which wouldn't be bad. I might try and drive there on Saturday and see what it's like. It is 40 quid which admittedly is a lot of money, although it works out as being 5 quid a session, which is good value. To justify it to myself it would be good exercise. Yes, i'm going to see if i can get to Coventry.

The money for my mums cd/dvd was taken out yesterday. I'm now hoping that it will turn up. It's got just over a week to get here, so i'm keeping my fingers crossed.

I am getting a bit stressed about work. Apparently they really want to get rid of me on my current project. They basically want to move everything over to India. As you can tell from recent entries I've had a lot of knocks lately and this is another one. I have been applying for jobs for a while, but just get rejections, so this isn't really boding well. I'm assuming that i'm going to be made redudnant with maybe 1000 pounds redundancy money (if my experience at my last company is anything to go by), which is obviously worrying me as i wouldn't be able to keep my house for long.

As the song goes.....i'm gonna get through this....

posted by small 4:49 PM

i've been listening to chill radio lately, and it turns out that one of the guys who runs it went to the boys school next door to my girls school! Our dates there overlapped, but i don't think we ever bumped into each other. I was always rather shy around boys. But it's a small world.

I also had an email today from Vicci, who went to my girls school, she's now moved. She wants me to get in touch with an old housemate of hers who has moved to Wolves. I've obliged as i really want to change my life and make new friends. I'm tried of being alone, and whilst i can go out with SPICE i just don't have the money to do it right now.

Well it's not really obliged, i'm very happy to do it!

posted by small 5:03 PM

I forgot to mention that mum bought me some daffs for my birthday. They bloomed almost straightaway and look wonderful. So that is another postive thing.

Tomorrow would have been my Grandpas 90th birthday. I miss both him and my Dad terribly. Sometimes i can hardly believe that it's seven years since my daddy died. The pain is still so raw and i want to talk to him all the time. I know just what he would say: "No matter what, i love you, chicks".

Stuff it. I can afford my mums bday present, as my supermarket spending is down. I had planned for the breakdown cover, i think i'm just going to have to suck up to hosting expense. And from next month, put 6 quid a month aside to pay for it. I swear, but the end of this year i am going to be so organised financially.

I woudl also really like to go to the hobbies and craft show at the NEC towards the end of next month. I think the last few months have been hard due to unexpected costs like the electricity deciding to take money out, even though i had asked them not to, and of course this month having to pay the execess on the oven. I suppose that 100 i would have bought the books i wanted, and maybe a new item of clothing...

I am going to be positive. I will live through this.

I think i must keep forgetting. Because i'm not spending my overtime money, but using it to save up for the car repairs in July I am quite a lot down each month. This explains so much.

posted by small 5:12 PM

I think i'm going to go back to Ceroc this week. It is yet another expense, but i love dancing and it's good exercise. They are doing Cerocshops which i would love to do, but are yet another expense.

I did work hard this weekend, despite feeling low. I've now finished my EMA for the ten pointer and the first tma for a219. The next one follows hot on it's heels, but i've decided i'm going to alternate studying with essay writing. One day studying, followed by one day essay writing. I haven't got a tutorial for several weeks, but i don't want to then have to rush this essay. After all, it's easier to reword and edit an essay that i may have taken a wrong turn with, then to go to the tutorial and the write it all in a few days.

I would really like to get a bike. The one i got off freecycle is really no good. I'd like to get something like this. I will plan for around 60 quid, and maybe buy it as a pressie to myself after i finish paying the credit cards off in July.

OH i forgot. I also need to buy mum a birthday present, and a morths day present.

Right i'm going buy the bday present now. Mothers day isn't for ages, and i might persuade my sister to go halves and have a realy nice bunch of flowers delivered. Thinking even more, Little Italy does two for the price of one meals, and they are quite nice meals. I bet mum hasn't gone there...

Done. The cd/dvd that she wanted has been ordered. I'm also going to get her a junior sudoku book as a jokey present. Everyone seems to be into it, but she says it's too hard. This might be easier! I know, but it makes me laugh anyway!

posted by small 11:54 AM

Friday started off quite well. Sadly when i drop my car sharers off home riday night, i was told that i was no longer welcome to car share with them. I am not the most confident of drivers, but i do feel that I have improved (well, when was the last time i wrote about having an accident!!), but apparently my driving is stressing out one of the people and therefore he no longer wants me in the group. As he is quite a bully, instead of him going, it is I who have to leave. I was so upset, as i truly am not the most confident of people and this really knocked me. Especially since I had done everything he wanted, which was not at all convenient for me.

Then that guy cancelled on me, so I was left feeling very low and lonely. I keep saying to myself over and over again that i am a nice and good person. Honestly, though, when you sit at home alone its gets rather hard to believe.

I can feel that i'm slipping down again, so i am trying to think of things to keep me positive. Simple things. I found out that itv2 shows the Oprah Winfrey show, i used to watch this when i was really very low in chesterfield, as the shows were usually positive and uplifting. So that's one thing that I can do.

As a result of feeling low i did go and spend more money that i should this weekend. I went to Ikea to look for muffin sheets (nowhere seems to sell a 6 muffin sheet) and had the meatballs there. Sunday i was really feeling blue, so i rented a dvd and bought popcorn and pringles. So i overspent by around 13 quid. Still, i had to do something.

I also owe openhosting 59 quid, so that's rather scuppered plans. And of course, now that i am carsharing i'm going to have to pay about 50 quid or so more on Petrol.

Life is really getting to be a struggle. It's not as if i'm spending thousands on foreign holidays, or have a lavish lifestyle spending lots of money on clothes (i shop at george) or going out. I try and cut back, but it never seems to make a difference. I am really and truly hoping that when i finish paying my credit cards off in July that i will at least have a little money so i can buy a cd or a dvd each month.

I think i really am going to have to start bringing in a lunch to work.

posted by small 11:13 AM

I now have a shiny new oven. Hurrah! I am also very glad that my birthday is now over.

I was rather upset that my friend Joolz didn't send a card, but sent an e-card instead. I guess it's making me rethink quite a few things. I had cards from my mum, the Atkins, Mel, Aunty Jenny, my sister and my Grandma.

Only the one present though, the binoculars from my mum.

But at least i'm not crying anymore. I was rather upset that basically nothing happened, and compared to Lee's 30th where sucha fuss was made. I guess i am just a bad person.

I'm going to work harder at being nicer. Perhaps my 31st birthday will be filled with laughter and joy.

Now that sounds unkind. The Atkins very very kindly took me out for a meal on Saturday. Linds, Darren and both little marcus and OJ. Obviously i would have preferred a champagne meal at a very smart resto, but in the end friendship and time with people who really care about me was what I got; and it was probably better than i think i might have wanted! I had a balloon, and Marcus insisted i sit by him! Who could have wanted for anything else!

I am lucky to have friends like these!

No lovely Valentines day for me; but after all these yeas i'm rather used to it! I would love once to have a boyfriend and be really spoiled, but it's never happened.

Ok - now that's said and done. I had an email back from that guy saying that he'd like to see me again;maybe this weekend! I could do with a weekend to myself to be honest, but i am NOT going to say no. I have let perfectly decent guys go because i had no courage. And that stops NOW.

posted by small 5:29 PM

Ah yes now there is a good question Steve, what did i think of him. He seemed nice enough, but as he was rather on the quiet side it was rather hard for me to say whether or not a liked him. I didn't dislike him, which i suppose is a good thing. I wasn't swept off my feet either. Admittedly a lot to ask for. I did feel that the last guy i had a "date" with, which was around this time last year we seemed to get on much better. That said he did send me a text saying that he didn't think we had a future, so what the heck do i know! There is the possibility that i will see this guy again, although i think his idea about meeting up would be for a walk with his dog on cannock chase. To be honest, that's really not my thing. Although i suppose maybe it would be if didn't have my stupid leg/knee/ankle thing going on and was 7 stone lighter.

If i do nothing it's safe, and i don't risk being hurt physically or emotionally. If i do nothing though any possibilities are somewhat stopped!

some of my demons I am meeting head on. Such as being in places were Derek is, and not running away. Others are more difficult.

Oh and when we walked to the cathederal he walked rather fast, i couldn't really keep up (plus i was wearing girly going out boots rather than sensible shoes)...and well...if it were me i would have slowed and kept pace.

I don't know!!

For those who haven't been to Lichfield it is really quite nice, the Cathederal is beautiful were some really amazing carvings. Me, i prefer the Burne-Jones at St Philips.

posted by small 5:27 PM

I worked from home this morning whilst i waited for my new oven to be delivered. It's hopefully going to be fitted tomorrow, btu i have to phone after 9 to find out if it will be morning or afternoon. Not at all convenient for me. I will be WFH again tomorrow, but i suppose there is a good side as it kind of means i'm not at work on my birthday!

I did make good use of my time this morning. I had to be up for 7 as potentially the oven could have been delivered then, and i used this time to continue my work through block 1. Tonight i'm going to the cinema with Mel, so i knew that there wouldn't be any studying. I may end up doing something simillar tomorrow morning, and then perhaps tomorrow evening writing a little more of a tma.

I can't remember if i've said, but i've decided that all of my on-call money is going to be taken straight out of my account and left aside for my car service fund. This means that in July when it needs doing again, I should be able to pay for it without it going on the cards, and then when i am debt free in July I can then put aside a sum each month to budget as normal.

I am using tesco vouchers to have a free colour me beautiful make-up lesson next Saturday. Which will be a lovely treat. I am going to be strong and not buy anything there and then, but will look to it being, perhaps an April treat (March being both mums birthday and mothers day).

I believe i've now paid off the balance on my cap one card. Of course i did BT most of it, but i think i will be happier with just one card, and one payment. Next month should see the barclaycard hit the dust. Then the next few months i'm going to live as simply as possible. I should have a celebration in July!

posted by small 5:05 PM

Ah Steve, that is a good question - how did it go. Well i don't think i messed up on my part, but he wasn't very talkative. We met at a pub in Lichfield and then walked to the cathederal. I made "interesting" remarks about the architechture and the stained glass, and had he been to birmingham cathederal as the burne-jones window there is really quite lovely and so different from the stained glass at lichfield. This was met with an "oh right", and this was fairly typical of the way it went. Oh well. At least i tried!
posted by small 9:44 AM

Mum has promised me some money for my birthday next week, so i have decided to book a creative clay weekend in March. It gives me something to look forward to, and i hope it will relax and recharge me. I've decided to tuck away my on call money and i plan on using this to ensure that i pay off my credit cards by May. I had forgotten that i was able to add quite a bit to my repayments because i wasn't paying for my ou course over the winter months. This now has to be added back in again. It means a tight few months, but it will be so worth it in the end. It will mean i can book spice events, even just a couple each month!

I have been praying really hard that this guy i've been emailing for the last couple of months...that i don't mess it up with him. I'm going to meet him for the first time this weekend. I'm kind of mentally preparing myself that he's going to run off screaming when he sees me.

I still need to arrange my breakdown cover. I keep thinking i can't afford it, but i do have a little bit of money as i'm not paying council tax this month, so i only have to find an extra 25 quid or so. Surely i can manage that? I've started shopping at Asda instead of tesco, as it's closer. This saves me a little money but not using up quite so much petrol!

posted by small 4:39 PM

Another quiet weekend. I've worked out that if i stick to my plan, i should now pay off my credit cards by May. This means that i only extended it by two months, which i guess isn't bad. It at least gives me a bit on an uplift to a rather sad and lonely few days.

I bought a ceramic painting kit from hobbycraft and painted for mugs from ikea Saturday night. The best one was a stripey sponge painted affair in blue and green. The mugs aren't up to much, but idea for practising on. I'd like to get some nicer ones so that they can become nice presents for people, or maybe sale items for my mums school fete or something.

I was reading Asda magazine and they have a rather nice looking recipe to make mini omlettes. The kind of thing that would be suitable for lunchtimes. Sadly i need an oven, but i hope that will turn up soon.

I have now cancelled my breakdown cover that i was getting thruogh directline. It was costing me an extra 300 quid on tope of my insurance, and the thing is i can go and get it again from directline as a new customer for 84 quid. Outrageous really. They just resell GreenFlag services, and i can get Greenflag for 78 quid. I'm going to be saving something like 30 quid a month, which means i'll only be 40 pounds down this month, which rounds out with me not having to pay council tax.

I'm thinking about starting Ceroc again. There are some Cerocshops happening which it might be worth going to. a tenner for an afternoon on a Sunday sounds quite reasonable.

posted by small 5:16 PM

I'm a bit sad. Everyone is too busy to celebrate my birthday this year. I cannot help but think of Lee's 30th last summer when he had a lovely surprise party laid on for him. I keep telling myself that life will get better, that i am a nice person. But it gets so hard. It's especially hard when i go to other peoples parties, anniversaries and celebrations; but no-one comes to mine. I guess i must be a truly horrible person.

My sister hasn't asked if i would like anything, so i guess my 30th is going to be pretty bad and lonely. Oh well.

That said i did manage to set fire to my oven last week. I was off work sick, and was realyl paying attention. I left the grill on, and a short while later there were flames. Fortunately it was just the oven, and nothing else. But it could have been so much worse.

I am failing miserably at paying off my credit cards; but i am going to cut my car insurance. I'm currently paying for breakdown cover with the same company, but it is costing me over 300 quid. I can get the same for much cheaper. Saving well over 200 quid would be great.

posted by small 4:50 PM